Solid Stone

I once had this professor who had some connection to our family. Her actual title was "Lecturer in Theology" I think because at the time that I met her, she was still in the process of completing her Doctorate. If you want to talk "source of inspiration", her direction is where you would look. She is fearless, amazing, and forgiving. There was one moment in our relationship that I still reflect upon with a smile: she burnt me a CD of what she called "God Songs."

I don't remember the artist or even the title of the song, but I know it was a folk song with an amazing message for hope and inspiration to advocate for change.

The chorus of the song started out by acknowledging the fact that we enter the world as a lone entitey... we are cut from the cord and left to ourselves (somewhat) to function and that someday, alone we will die. The most moving part though is when she says, "Solid stone is just sand and water... sand and water and a million years gone by."

I can't stop thinking about this...

Each and every time I visit a friend in Jasper, I try and get to Athabasca Falls or Malinge Canon because the beauty of these natural landmarks take my breath away. The thought that rock can be shaped so gracefully and artistically by nothing more than moving water - astounds me. Sometimes you'll see rock that has been shaped away and water just sits there - stagnant and stale and one can't help but think about what it would be like to live one's life without ever trusting and changing. (We had a quite a discussion about what this might look like almost a year ago when I was seeking reception into the Church, didn't we Adela...)

Well, tonight I sit here... after having had three steamed milks, gone for two walks, napped at various points throughout the day, watched Princess Bride with some of the residents, and picked up the key to our new place.

I feel sick to my stomach and I can not stop crying. I have never before felt so utterly helpless. I was created with a compassionate heart and part of me feels slightly violated. There is nothing worse than trying to do everything you can and then having it be thrown back in your face, your trust in the good of all slightly altered, and feeling partily abused in the process.

Having been where this other party is coming from in so many ways, I don't understand. Granted, it took a little while to get there, looking back now - I only wish that I would have hastened in pressing charges against the power seeking father. Instead, thinking I had taken the high road in pleading with my letter writing skills, I had to deal with a power seeking single father of a friend who acted out of selfishness and greed. The $%*@% decided it best to save the police some trouble and ended his life before any legal action reached him.

Selfish and full of hate, his method was a rifle in their front porch area. Can you spell mess? Uh, yeah. It's funny though because if any of my family would have gotten to him first, they probably would have done the exact same thing. Same weapon, same place, same end to a life of cruel and illegal behaviour.

I don't understand.

I don't understand... I don't get it... I don't know if I want it to make sense.

I can't comprehend the fact that there is nothing I can do. In fact, if I would have only heard this phrase once today I probably would have ignored it, but two clerical, wise, trust worthy, and lovely people have said the exact same thing.

I have finished reading through Mark, and have just surpassed the half way mark of John. I have a few ideas on what could be done, but I 'm torn.

I'm torn because I can not stop thinking about the whole metaphor of sand and water and stone and the Falls.

So imagine that we as God's children, are a piece of beautifully handcrafted stone. We are solid in our belief system, in defing who we are, and we are comfortable in the waters we have grown up in. How much control do have over how we are shaped? Do we have control? The water is going to rush over our jagged cliffs and hopefully wear us down to soft, carefully molded corners; it will break us in places we wish it wouldn't, but out of it spurts forth a beautiful waterfall.

Does this mean to say that if there is enough water pressure and build up, the rock will eventually give way? Does this mean that if the water is strong enough, anything is possible?

God is obviously the water, but God works through us - through God's children... so then (in a messed up way) this brings me back to - "what do you want me to do Lord?"

I refuse to give up. I am frustrated, hurt, crying, numb, confused, and saddened - but I was 6 months ago, and look where I am now. There is something, I know there must be something. I just need the Divine source of inspiration to guide my footsteps and give me the words of hope that I need to share.

Please pray.

Walk and breathe

Those have got to be two of the most difficult things to remember to do. And even though I am trying to remember how to breathe, I am finding it extremely difficult to walk at the same time.

It is so weird... it feels like I am walking in a life that is "SOOO close" to mine, but at the same time, it's not. (Or it feels like it's not mine). It feels as though I am wandering aimlessly around, struggling to stay in between the lines on either side, and concerned about getting to the destination - like finding that I can't trust myself or the path that I am on to get me where I am headed.

Continuing to walk forward, my life seems to nearly touch where I was - having to go back in some of the same directions and places, but not sure why. Instead of the walk being a calming one, I find myself more agitated than ever before... the winding path and the trusting where it is leading.

And, I don't.

I have a "tea time" booked with a good friend and partner in crime late next week and I have promised myself to remain patient and involved until I can think a little more clearly on this.

See, God and I have this "love-hate" relationship going on... I love the fact that God loves me enough to give me a brain and free will, but I hate the fact that I feel the desire to exercise both.

Angelic Encounter

Okay, so you can totally call me a quack, and maybe I am - but I honestly think that I met an angel. I guess that in my defense, an angel is "simply" defined by someone or something that is a "messenger of God" and so therefore anyone who shares God's love for the world.




Ms. Tanya Ponich: a 28 year old young woman who I am priviledged to call a friend. She has something that makes her extra special and a glorious addition to this world of ours: an extra chromosome.

"Hello Angela, I hear that you are not feeling well"

"Hello Tanya. You are giving your presentation today, right?"

"Yes. Listen to me. I know about God and I know about angels. (Priestly-Motherly type had just finished a sermon that had mentioned angels and sharing our stories and how we can then become someone's angel) I am an angel, God uses angels to give people messages and there is something he wants you to know. Would you like to know it?"

"Sure"

"You need to take care of yourself Angela."

I couldn't say anything... I just kind of sat there in a "whoa" kind of state. She bent down and the next thing I found her embracing me into a beautiful hug. And then, she walked off to prepare for her presentation. She is one of the most amazing spirits I know. During her talk, she read most of it from a pre-typed speech. She would be reading a paragraph and when she was telling a story that she must have told a hundred times over, she paused, turned the page, and said, "Oh!" laughed and began to remember the story on her heart.

She got to the end, looked to her mom and said, "I think my mom must find me funny because I look at her and she is smiling everytime." She closed her written speech, clasped her hands together and said, "Now people sometimes choose not to listen or take me seriously, but I do know about angels and I know about God. I know that someone in this room is very happy (as she raises her index finger in my direction) and I know that parents love their children and that children sometimes don't love their parents. Sometimes parents try to decide for their children, but that doesn't work." Laughing at herself, she proceeded, "And sometimes people make mistakes. John said that everyone makes mistakes. You need to write it down on a piece of paper, scrunch it like this in your hand, hold onto it for a little while, and then throw it away."

Tanya is right. Sometimes God uses her as angel. I could pull apart what she had to say (both in our conversation and in her presentation), but I don't think that is needed. The message that she proclaims everywhere she goes, she is a blessing.

You can read her story in a book entitled, "Big Enough Dreams". Check it out! Or, attempt to meet with her in person. She will read you like a book! But seriously, a wonderful young woman to be around. I can't wait until Friday!