Makes you wonder...

I have just returned, through white-out conditions (15cm tonight and more expected tomorrow!!) from a service.  Held in a most glorious church in what appears to be an Italian populated neighbourhood, I prepared myself before going in - but apparently not enough.  

The service was held in a tradition and "box" of Christianity in which I was born and raised.  However, in pursuing where I felt called to journey, after a series of discussions and moments of unpleasantness, I am no longer in good standing with the church.  It wasn't that I broke any of the rules, per say, but was told in a rather direct fashion that if I ever wished to receive Eucharist again within the bounds of The Church, it would require a serious confession and subsequent penance. 

And, it's also not true that I am "returning home" to The Church (though it would cause my family to throw a party), I needed to retreat.  Jesus set a wonderful example all through his ministry in which "big" moments were preceded by the removal of oneself from the "frontline", most often retreating to a mountainside, desert, or garden to just "be" in the presence of the Alpha and the Omega, the Almighty.  

This parish had the afternoon set aside, as they do every Tuesday, for Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament.  (In non-church speak, read: this big, brick building with pretty pictures and large decorations had reserved a time for meager street folk to sit in lots of mysterious smoke (helps remain anonymous) with your very best friend).  Who wouldn't want to spend just a little bit in that?  

Anyway, the time of adoration was followed by a "meal", supposedly shared among all the friends of your very best friend.  The opening hymn to gather all together was "Praise to the Lord the Almighty".  I was shocked to sing the second verse: "Praise to the Lord, let us offer our gifts at the altar.  Let not our sins and offenses cause us to falter.  Christ the High Priest, bids us all join in his feast..."

Isn't that bizarre?  This small representative sample of disciples can sing loud and clear, "Christ the High Priest, bids us all join in his feast" and yet - when push comes to shove, these same disciples are standing guard around the altar and pointing at who is not included (by Christ's command) at this feast.  Can they do that?  Obviously they can.  For if you don't belong, haven't been baptized in This Church, you are one among the unwelcome.  

Makes me say, Thanks be the God! that I'm Anglican and damn blessed to be so; an expression of discipleship in which all baptized Christians are welcome at this table.  

A Blessing Prayer for Healing

I wish I could tell you which collection this poem/prayer comes from, but it was passed onto me recently at an Anglican Fellowship of Prayer event.  In light of yesterday's readings, I found this blessing prayer quite suiting.  

May you desire to be healed.

May what is wounded in your life be restored to good health.

May you be receptive to the ways in which healing needs to happen.

May you take good care of yourself.

May you extend compassion to all that hurts within your body, mind, and spirit.

May you be patient with the time it takes to heal.

May you be aware of the wonders of your body, mind, and spirit and their amazing capacity to heal. 

May the skills of all those caring for you be used to the best of their ability in returning you to good health.

May you be open to receive from those who extend kindness, care, and compassion to you.

May you rest peacefully under the sheltering wings of divine love, trusting in this gracious presence.

May you find the little moments of beauty and joy to sustain you.

May you keep hope in your heart.

Joyce Rupp

For only then, can you love God as God loves you, love yourself as God loves you and your neighbour as you love yourself.  

There was once a wise dean who, in a fairly serious and difficult conversation with one of his students, stood up from behind his desk and reached to an upper shelf.  "I have something for you" was all the dean said.  Taking down a copy of Gilead and writing a word of thanks inside the cover, the dean passed it across to the young student.  "You may carry it around with you for years before you read it, but this book will have the answers."

If only it were as easy as reading a short fiction novel.  It's apparently a National Bestseller and the winner of the Pulitzer Prize.  

While I have nothing horrendously intelligent to say or write, I would like to post a prayer.  It was passed onto me a few years back at a Vocations Conference by a rather fearless leader I respected quite highly.  I believe it was originally prayed by Thomas Merton for some reason, but my memory could be wrong.  It is a prayer that carried me through the last year of "intentional discernment" and now brings a whole new level of comfort in times and feelings of unknowing, uncertainty, and unworthiness. 

My Lord God,

I have no idea where I am going,

I do not see the road ahead of me.

I can not know for certain where it will end, 

Nor, do I really know myself and the fact that I think I am following your will,

does not meant that I am actually doing so.  

But I believe the desire to please you, 

does in fact please you,

And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. 

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire

And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road,

though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust in you always.

Though I may seem lost

and in the shadow of death,

I will not fear for you are ever with me,

And you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Amen.

Okay, truth be told, only the first part of that prayer is providing comfort.  Hopefully my Lord God is willing to forgive and still journey.  

Fist a' cuffs ain't leading home...

I am not going to say a lot, because there isn't a lot to say other than to ask for your prayers.

On Oct. 6, I withdrew from the M.Div program at desired University; the subsequent days have been tear filled and lonely.  Please pray that the coming days be filled with courage, honesty, and a spirit of reconciliation, grace, and redemption - and the coming recognition that these spirits are both possible and present.