Expectations

I've decided today that having expectations is one of thee most brutal things in the world.

Partly because it is inevitable that when you have expectations, you will be let down - whether by someone else or oneself, and partly because I was fortunate enough to live a small window of my life in which I was able to be expectation-free, and I kid you not, it was one of theeeeee most freeing feeling.

If you write someone a letter, you expect some kind of response...

If you ask someone a question, you expect some sort of an answer...

If you give of your finest gifts, you expect to radiate change in the world in some regard...

When you open the window and share a piece of yourself with someone else, you expect that they would do the same...

When you give it all you've got, you expect to be better than, "just not good enough"...

When you turn on the windshield wipers, you expect your vision to be cleared enough to see...

If you are being punished, you would expect it to one day end...

If you are lost in the middle of the valley, you would expect to eventually find your way...

If the answer to your question is, 'I don't know', you would expect to simply be told so...

When you apply SPF 30 sunscreen every 30 minutes, you would expect to not burn...

When you are humble enough to ask for help, you would expect some level of visible assistance...

When you are falling without a hope in hell in stopping, you would expect a friend to be there...

Among many (!) things that I wish I wouldn't have ruined, is the freedom that came in living expectation free. It was a much less frustrating and hurtful time in which it didn't matter if plans fell through or people did not follow through because there was this realization that ultimately, the only thing that mattered was being able to smile and take life in stride.

Maybe I ought to read, "The Simple Life" again...

I wish I had an internal GPS

I managed to get out to the lake this weekend for a bit to enjoy the sun, water, greenery, and quietness for what appears to be the last weekend before I must "clamp down" and devote the next two weeks to studying for the final exam that accompanies clinical. Drove up by myself and so before leaving, grabbed a handful of CD's for the road as my IPod is still fairly music-less.

The drive is a little under two hours and the road is paved the entire way. Rolling hills, flourishing crops, and plenty of animals tends to make the drive quite an enjoyable one. With about an hour left to go on the drive, I popped in a CD that had "E-Arrang't" scribbled on the top in green sharpie.

Moments into the first track, my heart did a bit of a flip as I remembered why this playlist was first created on my old computer and who the recipient of a burned CD was.

It was purchased, created, organized and burned for someone who was a very dear friend at a time who was in desperate need of some cheering. If I remember correctly, the CD was titled "Episcopal Arrangements", though, it was named so with my tongue secured firmly between my teeth. While I didn't make the CD for the bishop at the time, it was a CD that had a variety of discernment type songs in the voicing of Bryan Adams, Cat Stevens, Eric Clapton, and Cathedral choirs from abroad. And, if memory serves me right, my preamble to giving the CD to this individual was something to the effect of, "when you need a distraction from your day to day tasks, just crank it up and relax".

Well, I think I made it to the third track before I had to pull over. It was Bryan Adam's, "Here I Am" from the movie "Spirit".

"Here I am, this is me; I come into this world so wild and free

Here I am, so young and strong, right here in the place where I belong

It's a new world, it's a new start

It's a life with a beating of a young heart, it's a new day, in a new land,

And it's waiting for me...

Here I am

It's a new world, it's a new start, it's a life with a beating of a young heart

It's a new day and a new land,

It's waiting for me...

Here I am"

It's kind of a crapchute, or at least that is what it feels like. Here I am, young, strong, wild and free... and yet, I don't really feel like I'm in the place where I belong. Yes, nursing is great... I love the people, their stories, their willingness to share bits of themselves with an eager stranger... yes, it is a new world and a new start where each and everyday is new and different from the day before and the land is so new, I still get lost on a daily basis... yes, it is waiting for me - there are so many incredible opportunities...

... and yet, I am not where I belong.

Maybe I'm struggling because this song always used to be one of 'vocation' for me - one that I would sing loud and proud from my seat in church every Sunday... it didn't matter where the church was or who the people around me were, it felt "right". I felt at home, I felt as though I was truly living out my calling in sharing my faith and enthusiasm for God, spiritual journeys, and anything church-related, and most importantly, I felt as though my soul sang the words, "here I am..."

While some would wish to go back in time or for the ability to call a "mulligan" (aka, "do-over"), I find myself longing for an internal, spiritual compass that could articulate for this somewhat lost and wandering nursing student, "in 500m, turn right" or "when possible, make a u-turn", or could help me map out how I can best get from my distant detouring state, back onto the route that will most safely direct me to my destination, as the GPS in my car does routinely.

For even when I pulled off onto a gravel road where I could safely dry my eyes this weekend, my GPS sat on the dash and faithfully gave me the directions I needed to get from my tear-stained detour, back onto the highway and heading for the destination.