While the relationship with my Father continues to deepen, I find myself teetering between wanting to stand still right where I am, and the deep seating longing to go in search of the God moments that make life incredible.
Jan 3, 2009
Being the voice of the voiceless
Dec 9, 2008
Lyrics
I have nothing intelligent to say. I don't know why she did it, but she thought it was important to read some of my words that I'd written back to me. I think it might have been to try and show me that (contrary to my own belief), my words carry meaning to a select few when written from the heart and inspired from above.
I can't help but feel like I'm between a rock and a double edged sword; the words that I wrote to her six months ago do not even remotely sound like words I would be capable of saying today. I've been stretched since I wrote those words, and while they seem to continually inspire her to light the world with this incredible glow and 'pay it forward' attitude, looking at where I am now, it's shocking to think that I could have written what I did. So, from where I sit, I can either accept the fact that at one point along my journey, I could have composed a letter - dripping with meaning and conviction... and that today, life is different. That is to say, "there's a possibility I once believed all that, but that the tables have turned, circumstances changed and if I wrote to you today, wouldn't say what I did there." Alternatively, I feel like a fraud. That, for some reason, I was overcome with a glimpse of inspiration, but that these moments are few and far between.
Inspired by what she read and how it was so relevant to her journey at the time, she shared with me this evening that she, in turn, shared my words with others.
And... off go the alarms, sirens, and fog horns.
I have so carefully laid the stones strategically - placed them one on top the other in an order and shape that would provide the greatest protection. Between each carefully selected stone, is the strongest glue/mortar/sticky tack you could ever imagine using... I'm sure it's what Noah used to keep the ark together when he ran out of nails! Water resistant, and impenetrable.
But since the weekend, I feel... almost without a security barrier. Part of this is because I met someone who clearly has a gift of calling you out when needed, sometimes without warning, time or extended discussion. The person who knows full well that there is something impeding God's full possession of heart and soul.
The other part of this comes from the knowledge that "deep and heart-felt" words were associated to me. Although I wrote them, they are uncensored, come from inside the stones, and give people the right to expectations... the dreadful "e" word.
The challenge is that whether it was what I wrote, or a combination of a lot of things (I'm voting for the later!), this young woman has grown in the most incredible and indescribable ways. She has truly taken her faith as her own, grabs life by the discerning, scriptural horns, and demands that change and justice are brought to where it's needed the most. She has gone through more than I could ever imagine... and done so with grace, humility, maturity of faith, and a radiant light. A true, Sr. Mary Patrick, from the Sister Act movies.
Our conversation tonight ended horribly abrupt. I got all freaked out by the fact that she has kept all my letters... that my letters bear such weight... that my words would inspire... that she was so thrilled and challenged by these words, she felt called to share them with others... and that, my worst fears are true: the recent events of my life have truly (and negatively!) impacted my faith, my relationships, and my discipleship... and that I don't know how to get back on track, spiritually.
I keep telling myself that I'm over reacting; I'm tired, emotionally drained, and dreading the upcoming month as I head back home.
If only... if only I could pray for the understanding and comprehension... if only I knew why an answer to a prayer from a while ago appears to be here now... if only I could figure out whether she is here, with great care and gentleness, to facilitate what is ahead... if only.
Between you and I, I think I know the answer; she seems to be the contractor and has already introduced me to one of the crew. But I'm scared. I don't want to be, but I am, and that leaves me hiding under the back corner of the bed... laying really, really, really still. So, instead of a conversation, I leave her lyrics... I trust she knows where they come from - hoping that she understands that I am running because of me, not because of her.
Left wrestling one question:
Why?
Oct 28, 2008
Makes you wonder...
Oct 27, 2008
A Blessing Prayer for Healing
Oct 23, 2008
There was once a wise dean who, in a fairly serious and difficult conversation with one of his students, stood up from behind his desk and reached to an upper shelf. "I have something for you" was all the dean said. Taking down a copy of Gilead and writing a word of thanks inside the cover, the dean passed it across to the young student. "You may carry it around with you for years before you read it, but this book will have the answers."
If only it were as easy as reading a short fiction novel. It's apparently a National Bestseller and the winner of the Pulitzer Prize.
While I have nothing horrendously intelligent to say or write, I would like to post a prayer. It was passed onto me a few years back at a Vocations Conference by a rather fearless leader I respected quite highly. I believe it was originally prayed by Thomas Merton for some reason, but my memory could be wrong. It is a prayer that carried me through the last year of "intentional discernment" and now brings a whole new level of comfort in times and feelings of unknowing, uncertainty, and unworthiness.
My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going,
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I can not know for certain where it will end,
Nor, do I really know myself and the fact that I think I am following your will,
does not meant that I am actually doing so.
But I believe the desire to please you,
does in fact please you,
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire
And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust in you always.
Though I may seem lost
and in the shadow of death,
I will not fear for you are ever with me,
And you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
Amen.
Okay, truth be told, only the first part of that prayer is providing comfort. Hopefully my Lord God is willing to forgive and still journey.
Oct 8, 2008
Fist a' cuffs ain't leading home...
Sep 7, 2008
Off for a few days retreat!
Face up, O Daughter of Jerusalem
Aug 13, 2008
A Seminarian's Packing List
I would like to share a glimpse of the “To Pack for Seminary” list in order of importance, which I am aiming to locate and pack to bring along.
1) A Bible. Which one am I supposed to take? An NRSV? The Message? NIV? King James? The English Standard Version or Good News? Maybe I am supposed to take one of each edition, just in case.
2) Clothes. I think that this one might be just as important as the Bible, but I’ve never lived in Ontario before. Do they get a lot of snow in the winter? Does it rain a lot? How many clothes will I need to take? (I think I might need to do a few loads of laundry before I try to pack the clothing up otherwise it could be very bad!)
3) A computer. I’ve heard that professors prefer graduate level work to be done on a computer... this shouldn’t be a problem. However, if I need to print off the work that complete... well, that might be a problem.
4) Cliff’s Study Notes for Seminary Year One or Seminary for Beginners – does anyone know where I could find these?
5) A list of emails for people who have expressed interest in staying in touch.
6) My hockey equipment so that I can sign up for the “Revs on Ice” hockey team that plays once a week throughout the year. This bag of equipment might put me over my luggage restrictions; note to self: go through the hockey bag and decide what I absolutely require to play the sport.
7 – 13 are reserved for those things which I have temporarily forgot, but are crucial to take along.
13 things to haul across to London, ON; not bad! In all honesty, the closer I get to heading out, the more I realize that this list is one of “comfortable items”. The list of “must haves” is actually a lot shorter and easier to do: an open mind, a healthy serving of grace, courage, and faith, and a servant heart that is willing to follow wherever God may lead.
Aug 11, 2008
What is the hardest thing...
"What is the hardest thing you have ever had to do?"
"Remember that I am God's beloved"
This was the response of Episicopal presiding bishop from a question she'd received at the Lambeth Conference. I will provide some feedback on it a bit later, but I just love it and needed to share it!