I HATE being a people pleaser. However, I feel like it's all I know how to be.
My mom and one of my sisters booked a two day visit to a theology school number one. We spent Sunday night roaming down to the Cathedral for a service of evening prayer and took the Monday to head down to the campus to ask questions, take a tour, and do a little bit of sight seeing. It was a wonderful time away, beautiful Cathedral, and one amazing baby beluga. Applied to said theological school and had to chase them the entire time. They had my application for 2 and a half months before they could say anything in terms of acceptance!
Then, through a commitment completely separate from my overall discernment, I find myself on the campus of theological school #2. I spent the week engaging in conversations with professors, trust worthy clergy and soul friends, and found that as the week progressed, I felt more and more in the hands of God. For me, the conversations with smart and powerful people within said seminary had no strings attached. When there isn't anything truly weighing on being accepted or not, there is a relaxed comfort present. In a lunch conversation with an influential and spirit filled clergy person, their question was simple. "What's stopping you from coming here?" Health. I am still on a three month stand by for leukemia follow up and 5 hours on plane is a long way from home!! "Ask me what my fiance does" (said clergy person). "What does your fiance do?" (said enquiring theology student)...
..."she's an oncology nurse at the local cancer clinic."
Humph.
Part of this week was walking the labyrinth. Having been told that it would be beneficial to enter the journey with a question or dilemma in mind. I refuse to say what question I entered the labyrinth with, but within the first few steps, found myself humming the traditional Anglican hymn "Will You Come and Follow Me". This hymn has been an incredible accompaniment on my journey thus far and part of me is not surprised that this was the hymn that my heart began singing. However, as I sung:
"Will you come and follow me if I but call your name?
Will you go where you don't know and never be the same?
Will you let my love be shown? Will you let my name be known,
will you let my life be grown in you and you in me?
2. Will you leave yourself behind if I but call your name?
Will you care for cruel and kind and never be the same?
Will you risk the hostile stare should your life attract or scare?
Will you let me answer prayer in you and you in me?"
... it was not theological school number one that was resting within... it was theological school number two.
I received a phone call from theological school number two on Friday with the offer of a full bursary/scholarship combination to cover my tuition and student fees for my first year, the contact information for a clergy hockey team to play on for the year, the names of two well respected and highly regarded hemotologists who are more than willing to take on my care while I'm there, and the name and phone number of a retired woman who is holding a room for me 15 minutes from campus.
Yet, it all seems way too good to be true. And, aside from that, I can't help but feel that I would be letting very much loved mother type down as well as sisterly sibling who declared that she wouldn't come to visit theological school number 2. ~Can't seem to find the courage to email the purple shirted type and inform her that if she wants me to go to school number one, I will... but otherwise, I think I'm supposed to accept school number 2.
HELP!
Lord your summons echoes true when you but call my name.
Let me turn and follow you and never be the same.
In Your company I'll go where Your love and footsteps show.
Thus I'll move and live and grow in you and you in me.
How can I, striving to be a responsible Christian, take all that's happened into account and still feel that God's love and footsteps are leading me to theological school number one? Can I???
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