The pop-psych phrases to explain the Holy Spirit are truly everywhere: "There is a reason for everything", "If it is truly meant to be, it will happen", or "When a window closes, another door opens".
Okay, that is a lame opener, but trust me when I say that I have worked and re-worked this idea in my head while out of internet range over the long weekend and the only conclusion I came up with is that I'm undecided.
I understand that there is a group of believers who think that "winning the lotto" in life is really none other than that immense feeling of ecstasy one gets when their will is aligned with God's will. When one is truly doing something that lightens their heart and furthers the kingdom of God... what could be better? For this group of people, one can achieve this sense of overwhelming joy through much prayer, soul searching, and discernment.
Then there is the group of us who, contrary to these people, deliberately walk (or in my case, run) away from God's will for our lives and yet, coincidences (God-incidences) still manage to happen. We don't pray about it, we make rash decisions; we don't discern it, we make up our own minds and then simply announce what we've decided. And yet... despite the vast differences, God beats us to it.
If you ask me why I went into nursing, I truly wish I could tell you a tear-jerker or inspirational story about how nurses saved my life and thus, I wanted to return the favour to the universe. Or that my grandma was a nurse, and my mom was a nurse and so I fell into a career saving people's lives. But my story is different. Radically so.
(In a paragraph or less...), I was raised high church, met some friends from a slightly lower church, went on retreat with said friends. Attended an ordination of the xx type in which two xx's were being ordained to slightly lower church, cried through the Gospel, cried through the sermon and felt this indescribable sense of pull on an internal organ that beats... a lot. Made sideways move to the slightly lower church, studied unofficially for two years the ways of slightly lower church, took jobs in said church to learn more about it, went through three onion layers of discernment with said church... all to get a resounding yes (paralleled to the Gospel that one cried through years before). Packed life belongings in car, drove 45 hours, and enrolled in ordination-stream schooling. For reasons unwritten here, dropped out of said school, went into hiding from the church and so-called "calling" and in the process, thought it wise to enroll in a two-year, completely secular program. Two year secular program graduated me as an RN and here I be.
After finishing nursing school, I had no intention of practicing nursing. So much so that I chose to specialize in a field that is extremely hard to get into so that when I couldn't get hired, I could find the motivation to work through my "issues" with God, the church and the community, pick up the pieces and my dragging feet and return to that immense sense of pull that I felt years ago while attending an xx ordination.
Where is this going, you ask?
To pay bills and student loans, I took on a full time administration job on the university campus. What was originally supposed to be a month placement turned into two... then three... then six. Getting pressure from the parental units as well as my employer at the admin job, I started applying for positions within the specialty I graduated with distinction in. At first I was hired as a casual, picking up a few hours here and there, but nothing overly significant.
On one of my shifts, I found myself as the only RN on the floor who was comfortable playing with a 3 yr old boy whose family had all been killed in a car accident and whom no one had told this horrifying news to. All the services that would normally be consulted while we waited for extended family to drive across the country to get the child were "off duty" as it was a weekend, so I figured I would sit with him for a bit.
Monday morning, I got a call from the manager of the unit I was a casual on and I was asked to submit my resume for a full time position on the unit. I had an interview on Thursday and the following Wednesday, I found out that the job was mine if I would accept.
As I sat there waiting for the late manager to show up for the interview, I was actually quite nervous. Don't get me wrong - people are always nervous for interviews...but I was nervous because if I got the job, I would have a really hard time putting and describing God in a simple and understandable way. So, after years of not being able to pray, I pulled my phone out of it's case and read the prayer that has been taped in there... the prayer of St. Augustine (as seen in a previous post)... "Oh Lord my God, I have no idea where I am going, I cannot see the road ahead of me..."
It obviously was not a coincidence that I was on the unit the day that we got the 3 yr old... nor that my phone rang Monday morning requesting my paperwork. Nor was it a fluke that I was now sitting here for an interview for a full time position, merely months out of school. No doubt I had no idea where I was going or where the road was leading. My only option seemed to be to leave it with God and if this was where I needed to be, then I trusted that things would come together... doors would open... things would happen for a reason.
Then I got the job!
So here I am, trying to rationalize this all in my head. Trying to figure out why I, along with communities of believers, prayerfully discerned that I was called in one direction and now I find myself blindly stumbling in another, completely different direction. It's not a coincidence, that I'm sure, yet perplexing just the same.
I cannot deny that God is here. Of that, I have no doubt. What does raise question in my mind is why. Why would I, along with a whole community of believers, discern one thing and yet... things are lining up nicely in a camp far, far away from one's "said calling"? How can that be? It puts to shambles the whole belief that we can pray and discern where our lives are supposed to be and meet God there. Because clearly, God just goes where do anyway.
I think.
That, or my logic is faulty and I need to go back to the drawing board.
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