If I could make you tea

what would I say? What would we chat about? Would I ask you all about heaven and what God really looks like? Would I beg for details on the heavenly choir? Would I ask you who you've met and what you've done? Would I tell you how great you look? How strong and whole you look? Would I ask you if you remember me like I remember you? Would I tell you tale of how I met a boy and how I managed to graduate from University with a 4.0 graduating average? Would we take our tea for a walk? Would you like to stretch your legs or do you get a lot of exercise in heaven? Would I share with you the excitement of learning how to wakeboard, the last Harry Potter movie or the fact that our hockey team is going to win ol' Stanley this year? Would I tell you about my hockey team and how it is shaping up to be the best season yet? Maybe I would tell you about the job that I got and how wonderful the people are that I work with and ask you about your most favourite job?

Would we sit in silence and simply sip our tea, doing nothing more than enjoying each others company once again?

Or would you want to hear about what is really going on and how I'm doing? Would you cut down my "I'm good" with a hearty, "I know you're lying, what is really going on?"? Would I be able to tell you how it sucks because in theory, it should get easier to miss someone. But you, seem to be the exception? Would I share with you how painfully horrid the last year has been because it was mom and dad's 25th wedding anniversary, and when everyone was having a grand ol' time, someone asked about you and where you were? Could I tell you about trying to do everything I could to help Gramma celebrate her 70th birthday without you by her side? Or what about the 50th wedding anniversary that also would have been this year? Would you be open to listening to me cry about all the "what could have beens" over the past 3 years and how, time after time, I screwed them up - with exponentially increasing amounts of mistakes and never learned until after the fact - how incredibly wrong I was, both about myself and the situation?

Whatever the case might be, when the strained tea begins to pour out in our cups signalling the empty pot, I would stop talking. And there I would sit, on the side of the hill, and hug you until you had to go. Because really, that's all that matters. Is that everything else aside, you know that you are loved and missed and thought of often. And in all truth, no one really needs words to express that.

Until the next time, Cheers Grandad!

I assure you...

... it's only because I love you.  

Really.  

Believe me.  That is the ONLY reason I am going to pick my grandma up at her place, and drive her to church for 5:00p.m. mass.  The rest of my family (who normally pick her up) are currently either in Ottawa for Lil Buddy's Volleyball National play-downs or out playing baseball... clearly out of cell phone reception.  

So, when I got a phone call last night asking politely, "Hello dear, are you going to mass this weekend?"

(I momentarily pondered the numerous answers running through my head at record speed, wishing to select the "proper" response).  "Weeeeeeeell, I work at 7:30 Sunday morning, so Saturday evening is a possibility, but unfortunately I can't go Sunday" ("unfortunately" made it sound like I was disappointed, right?)

"Well dear, if you pick me up, we can go to 5:00 mass and then I will cook you a steak dinner.  You can eat steak, right?"

"um... yup!" (though it is honestly the one meal that I eat with my teeth clenched... I was the kid at the family table who had a hot dog on her plate on Steak Saturdays - looooove beef, but hate steak.  But, it was sweet of her - planning a meal in which I wouldn't have to worry about allergies)

"So do you want to stop by here at 4:40?  That should get us to the church on time"

"You bet Grandma, I'll be downstairs at 4:40"

"Thank you sweety.  I look forward to seeing you."

"Me too.  Night!"

So... it is almost 4:30 and getting closer to the time in which I will leave to pick her up.  I just finished vacuuming out the car, windex-ing all the windows, and scrubbing floor mats.  It will just make the evening easier if things are top notch.  Hopefully she won't say anything about the foot marks on the inside of the passenger door... I had company in February who put them there, and couldn't bring myself to wipe them clean yet.  

Apparently the presider tonight is a visiting, retired bishop - whose younger brother, married my parents 25 years ago this summer.  Is it improper church etiquette to forego receiving a blessing from visiting bishop?  I can almost hear family members rolling over in their graves when I consider being rebellious and taking communion tonight, while not "in good standing with the greater church"...it's an awesome thought... but I won't.  I'm not ready to proclaim that leaving the RC church was a mistake.  

UGH!  Of all the weekends for my family to be out of town... they had to pick this one?  Maybe Grandma will call in sick... hahaha... who am I kidding?!  I better go get cleaned up.  I don't want to be the "grandaughter who dresses like a slob to take her grandma to church".  

Well, Grandma, I'm on my way shortly.  But... I assure you, it's not for the steak or the draw of going to church, it's really (truly) only because I love you.