When you are looking here... it's happening there...

Okay, I admit.

It is a super lame title for a chapter. Let's see you come up with something more creative than that after a full day of studying ob-gyn and community health. Ugh.

So... this summarizes my life to a tee...

I am house-sitting a dog for friends of mine and I return home from a long day at school to the foul smell of dried dog-piss. Worst. Smell. Ever! Some people will say that nothing is worse than the smell of brussel sprouts, but they lie. Tell them to look after a poorly trained puppy and then they will understand that nothing really beats that smell on the foul-scale.

Anyway... house-sitting a dog. That was the point of the story... not the smell thing.

So I take the dog's mat outside into the backyard when I let the dog out. Standing the mat against the fire pit in their backyard, I get the hose and spray the living snots out of that stupid mat in hopes that the smell would leave. After spraying it for an extended (!!) amount of time, I leave it propped by the fire pit and run back into the house to scrub the kennel down. This smell has GOT to go! However, I was so focused on scrubbing the smell out, I forgot to watch the mat and dog in the backyard. Needless to say, this severely untrained puppy took the wet mat and dug a hole in the backyard and proceeded to BURY THE MAT! So, now I had to re-wash the mat, wash the dog, ANNNNND fill a giant hole.

The same is true internally. I was so focused on the fact that these two years would be a time of spiritual seeking and reconciling and while I was giving that my full attention, I failed to see how other aspects of my life were starting to heal up.

Two years into my first undergraduate degree, my naive and positive outlook on life was violently shattered. Fast forward through some hospitalizations, panic attacks, and months of counselling and I would have sworn that I was "good to go!"

However, then as a requirement for this undergraduate program, I found out that I was required to do an ob-gyn, maternity, post partum rotation. I did everything I could (EEEEEVERYTHING) I could to get out of having to do this rotation. I contacted the course lead and begged to do my entire rotation in post partum, working with newborn babies... the answer was a bold-type NO. I asked my post partum tutor if I could do the duration of my assignment with infants rather than labouring moms and again, the answer was... NO. Though, the tutor actually laughed a little before she said no. I visited my wonderful family doctor and requested a doctor's note to excuse me from this rotation for "religious reasons". Her initial reaction was just laughter. I guess I have a way of sounding funny when I'm really worked up?

My family doctor actually did come 'round once she knew my reasons for wanting to avoid the placement, truly giving me the choice of whether or not to go through with the rotation. In her best wisdom, she helped me figure out what the pros/cons were to both doing or neglecting the placement and then willingly wrote a doctors note to excuse me from having to witness any births and sent me on my way with Ativan.

To my surprise, once I finished up the post partum portion of the placement and transferred over to the screaming moms in agony, the labour-tutor was incredibly understanding as well. Our discussion went something like,

"I really, really, reeeeeally don't want to be here"

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. What can I do to make your time here manageable?"

"Let me go to the pre-term unit and play with pre-term babies all day?"

"Not until you see a birth. It is actually a beautiful thing. Don't you want to have kids one day?"

"Heeeeeeeeeeeello adoption!"

She thought that I was "genuinely humourous" and literally walked me through the process as best she could. Together, we chose a woman who was labouring with her fourth child. When it came time for this patient to push, she pushed for a grand total of 3 minutes and 21 seconds. At which point, I happily excused myself and went to spend the last portion of my placement in the nursery.

But the weirdest thing came of my experience at the hospital. Aside from deciding with certainty that I would NEVER have kids of my own, I began to feel as though I could conquer the world. Really, as lame as it sounds, I had just overcome that which previously, scared me to the point of not sleeping, not keeping food in, and not really breathing. I most certainly did not execute myself in perfect form or with the utmost grace, but I did it! It was not tear-less, anxiety-less, or sarcasm-less, but it also was not me-less.

From there, I had the courage to somehow follow through with one of my assignments to follow a midwife around for a clinical day. I swear it is only by the utter grace of God that I, one student among 70-0dd students, am selected for a midwifery experience rather than any of the other long list of possible experiences. There, I spent 11 hours learning that the hospital way is not the only way and that there are humane experiences of pregnancy. 11 hours in which I was not forcing healing to happen, and yet... it was. Just learning the fact that contrary to the hospital pathway, particular patient histories do not always necessitate cesarean sections and that the pregnant couple have full power of decision making, not un-involved physicians who get paid more for 'complicated delivery procedures' was enough to perpetuate healing.

Aaaaaand, as if that wasn't enough of a step forward, yesterday found myself sitting at the University Health Services awaiting an 'initial intake' with a psychologist. Unlike this time last year, I was actually able to articulate three 'priority needs' for the 12-sessions I am entitled to as a student. Granted, my second and third priority and reason for seeking psychological services both had "related to number one" written beside it, this is both huge and awesome!

Finally, as a true testament to the grand improvements that seem to be happening in life, I was able to attend not one, but two massage therapy appointments in the past three weeks. While these appointments would be heavenly relaxation to most, being able to trust someone enough to be able to lay on my stomach, having severely limited vision because of having to put one's face in that stupid face-toilet-bowl-shaped-thing, while the almost-complete-stranger makes physical contact with the clothes-limited me... is... exciting beyond words!

For those who know me even slightly, they know that this last step is truly reflective of the inner healing that has already started. Seeds that were planted in this heart of dirt over these past two years are now sprouting through the black soil in search of the sunlight warmth. I only have a mere 6 months left in the program, but that is more than enough time in my humble opinion, to continue on this journey. And, as I said to someone today, even if I never actually nurse a day in life (I *will* nurse, but if I never got the chance to), I now understand why I embarked upon this particular journey almost two years ago.

So, while I was busy trying to scrub the smell out of this spiritual kennel of mine, the healing was continuing to grow in my flower pot. The seeds that were planted over the years by nursing instructors who claimed that my brick walls were too high and suggested some level of psychotherapy... those incredibly loving people who let me hang out and play music with them every now and again without any church requirements, constantly reminding me of the fact that I am loved for who I am and where I am on this journey...those people who remind me all the time that ultimately - I just need to be me. Me, the genuinely humourous child who needs the reminder to water the plant every now and again.

Crazy how that works, isn't it? I should know by now that things never really happen how we plan them out to, but rather - they happen when we least expect them, don't feel ready or worthy of them, and when we have the inner strength to laugh at the pure irony and coincidence of the timing of them.

Honourable Mention!

I had a good laugh this morning when I opened my email to find an email from my prof asking if he could use my paper as an example for the class on Monday in his "how to write an effective paper" workshop.  Securing an 85% (A), he felt that the improvements/alterations to make for the paper have to do with formatting and the technical aspects, but that the paper itself was extremely well written. 

This, without a doubt, made me laugh.  

I do not doubt my paper writing abilities for a second, however, it was an extremely difficult paper to write, given the topic and life circumstances.  I have pasted the first (introduction) page here as well as a snippet of the conclusion.  If you're interested in the sources, just let me know.  

                The term “adolescent” is one that can cause even the strongest of men, to cringe; an age bracketed between 12 and 18 years old, where a youth has the drive and tools required to truly transform into an adult.  A time period in which trial and error seems to be applied in reckless abandon, causing bruises and sometimes more lasting injuries to the seeking adolescent as well as those around them.  Typically, infants and seniors are the people we label as “vulnerable” because they are too fragile to care for themselves.  However, in our current society, where gangs, violence, and peer pressure seem to dominate the scene, it might be more accurate to identify these seeking adolescents as vulnerable.  These youth are at the age where society expects them to really develop a sense of self knowledge based on a set of ideals, morals and worth, seemingly without a lot of support and direction.  As these youth seek a role and a sense of authenticity in a fast paced and consumer driven world, it remains a wonder that our society seems maintains a level of self aware, authentic, and loving individuals.  We have all too often turned on the television or radio just in time to hear about a group of miscreant teenagers, who have vandalized the church parking lot, hurt or violated a senior citizen, or broken into the gas station on the corner and stole chocolate bars and cash from the register; for a lack of knowing how else we can respond to these “seeking” youth, we turn and shake our heads, phone the local police department, or simply just walk away. 

What if the guiding support for these adolescents was less costly (financially, psychologically, and emotionally) and proved to be more effective than legal enforcements or walking away?  Having worked with this age group in a school setting that was consistent and religious in nature, an entire community witnessed just how self aware and genuine an influential group of adolescents can be, if only given the opportunity and space.  The task assigned to the group of 53 youth, ranging between the ages of 12 and 14 years old, was to come up with a project that would make a lasting difference to their community.  These youth attended a religious school, but had very little ongoing religious education about the faith; however, being raised in a religious school setting provided them an ongoing sense of overarching morality and sense of belonging they could have as a safety net and comfort zone as a base for the outreach they were about to dream up.  These youth truly exceeded any expectations.  Two young boys spend their lunch hour to play music on the sidewalk, raising over $1,100 in a two week time period to give to a local charity while other students went on a clothing drive for the homeless.   Another pair developed an after school program for younger children to learn how to cook healthy snacks at a nearby school, others established an after school soccer program for the neighbourhood children on Saturday mornings.  Not only did these remarkable students dream up these projects, but they carried them through beyond the end of the school year and into the summer months.  As they worked through the details of their projects, it was clear that each one of these young individuals was finding and developing an authentic sense of self in the wider society.  They did not require the use of illegal drugs or trouble making gangs to find themselves.  Instead, they seem to have only needed a small encouragement to venture out of a morally stable base and the reminder that they could come back at any time for a “refuelling”. 

The question that must be asked is, what role does religion play in the identity formation of adolescent youth, and the choices that need to be made in order to find an authentic and stable sense of self?

The conclusion that I came to, after 4 short pages of citing sources and pulling apart research was this:

The conclusions that can be drawn from reviewing these articles in an attempt to answer the question about the role that religion could play in the seeking adolescents are that clearly, because of the change of mentality in our society, the adolescent is in a vulnerable state.  Left without a strong, society base of norms and morality, a lack of direction and guidance, and problems with self-deception and “hiding” the self, as pointed out by Baumeister, the adolescent seems to be left out in the dark during a very critical stage in self identity formation.  Disagreeing with Baumeister that our society has created the illusion of a hopeless promise of tomorrow, there do remain avenues in which one may turn to in times of seeking, where a lasting, and truthful experience may shape the rest of not only their life, but the life of our society.  As witnessed and spoken to by James, this experience creating community, is likely to be religious in nature, where the unifying mentality of the medieval society is still prominent and encouraging one another to reach their potential is as natural as walking and the valuable characteristic of a transition marker ritual celebrates and commends those who choose to make that decision at that time.  There remains a few considerations to still be looked at, such as a home rearing environment and the effect that this might have on the self-seeking adolescent, but it remains clear that a religious community as first illustrated, provides the support, structure, and “self” finding encouragements that have called young people forward in a spirit of truthful service, where making a difference in their life is only the first step. 

Just imagine what would happen if all these youth, troubled and burdened, could find that community in which they felt comfortable and safe enough to allow themselves to experience the truth: their potential in this society is incredible and is simply waiting for them to embark upon that journey, self aware and identified as one among many, called to bring those around them to a level of self knowledge and a deeper truth. 

The question that is now starting to rumble in a deep - meaningful fashion, is in regards to whether "religion" and "faith" become something like a security blanket and are only called upon when (youth(?) are) scared of dark.  I had another professor mention this phenomenon once where youth attendance in church was minimal because once the youth found a comfortable place of "self" in their society, they no longer needed a structure like religion. Perhaps that shall be the next paper...