On the drive "home" from the arena tonight, I started thinking about how Christians everywhere had come together to be with our Lord tonight. To sit in his presence as he broke the bread, to pay witness to a king humbling himself for the lowest of the low, and to sit in the shadows of darkness and keep watch just like he asked.
The memory that came to mind was one from elementary school; I was having an extremely difficult time "sharing" my best friend with the new kid at our school who obviously didn't get the memo that Krystal was my best friend and there was no room for sharing as far as recess time went. One of the teachers, noticing my upset, asked me to try an exercise with her. All she said to me was, "what if the shoe was on the other foot? What if you were the new kid and had to make friends and no one was willing? What would you do?"
Although I refused to see the logic in her words until many years later, she had a point. One must always seek first to understand and once they understand, can seek to be understood. I have since learned that she was influenced by St. Francis and that the lesson is a wise one.
Tonight, as I lay here, I wonder what it might be like to be in Judas' shoes. What would Judas do if Jesus offered forgiveness? Would there still have been a suicide? Would there still have been a crucification? If Judas dropped to his knees in remorse and repentance for reporting, would the church be different? Would the course of events have lead to a happier ending? If Judas spent time in his "cell" contemplating his actions and the consequences they had in the lives of others, would the other disciples have let him back to the table? Or, would they have crucified him themselves? Is there ever any way that Judas could right the wrongs? Would his personal testimony of the man Jesus was be a tale of incredible love and mercy or would his story be one riddled with fear of what was to come?
The only thing that I understand about our dear and fearful friend Judas, is why he may of felt that the only punishment suitable, was death. The guilt one carries when they betray a friend, a colleague, a mentor, a prophet, a king is more powerful and draining than anything else in the whole world. Truly, I understand that in a very tangible way. But surely, with enough self-inflicted punishment and remorse, God allows u-turns for even Judas is first and foremost a child of God, isn't he?
Hm. While it will be a night of staying awake for me tonight, my heart shall ache for the lost disciple this year, in hopes that a piece of him finds God in that garden and rather than turning against Jesus, he may find the strength to drop to his knees at the side of his fearless leader and seek forgiveness and strength for his frail and tempted soul.
