Thoughts on the day

There is no general theme to this blog, other than maybe the ramblings of a twisted and backwards day and it serves no purpose other than to blurt out the insane ramblings of today, in true Western Canadian fashion... by quoting an influential person from the United States.

In fairness, I shouldn't say that - Canadians are credible for original thought. But, today, I quote someone from the USA. I think I may have commented on this before, but when ++Schori was starting out her ministry, she was asked what the toughest thing for her was, as a Christian. Her response was simple, and yet - soooo incredibly powerful.

"The toughest thing for me is to remember that I am a beloved child of God."

This was the quote that immediately came to mind today as I opened up my email to read one of those chain letter emails that people forward around to everyone on their contact list that was entitled, "3 Things". The email was simple and read:

There are three things you need to do:

#1 Repent

#2 Forgive yourself

#3 Move on with your life

It went on to say that we cannot do anything to change our past, but we can always change our present and future because yesterday ended last night. It was one of those messages with divine timing, I assure you.

You know what though? Number 1 is honestly the easiest to accomplish. 2 and 3 still seem impossible. Instead of forgiving myself or moving on with my life, I am stuck in that vicious circle of repentance and penance (aka, self punishment). What can I say - if you cut me, I will bleed Catholic blood.

I honestly believe that moving onto #'s 2 and 3 requires a firm belief in that lovely statement of ++Schori, which - for this young seeker, is a long ways away. But at least now, I have something to work towards... maybe?

Moments that make you think, "ah... schiza!"

Do you ever have those moments in which time seems to freeze, and this horrible feeling comes over you and the voice inside your head says, "wow... this is clearly something we need to work on!" ? Like when you slave over a wonderful supper and the family sits at the table, scrunch their noses, and ask if there are hot dogs they can microwave instead? Or when you are walking down a busy street/sidewalk and you play "dodge the same way as other person" for awhile, where you are both trying to move out of the other persons way, but both dodging the same direction? They are moments that can never be predicted and often leave you reflecting for some time afterwards.

I had one of those moments today.

I was having iced coffee with a friend and catching up on what we had missed in each others lives over the last two months when she got up to use the washroom. Checking my phone for the time, there was a notification saying that I had received a text message. Opening the phone, I discovered it was from a fellow hockey player and support/pillar friend from the seminary town I had left earlier this year checking to see how I was treating life and how it was treating me.

And then... time froze.

Except the voice inside my head was telling me that I really need to work on saying good-bye.

I hate it. I know that Oma always used to say that "hate" is a word I should never use because "hate" was something that the Nazi's did and it was wrong, but I think I have proper justification for putting "saying goodbye" and the Nazi's on the same vocabulary page. Honestly, realistically, what are the odds of ever seeing these people again?

Maybe I just need to spend some more time in thanksgiving for the place of this text-message-sender in my life and the critical timeline in which they entered and maybe I'll discover that I'm just being selfish for wanting them to stay here longer rather than moving half way across the world in the name of vocation and ministry. Perhaps I find out that her place in my life was to pull a lost soul out of a pile of rubble, dust it off, and take it one step closer to the mighty altar of life and that her job is done now.

But realistically, instead, I sit struggling with trying to understand how someone who truly had no reason to care, did; how someone who could have been doing a million other things, paused and checked in. I stare blankly at a card I picked up months ago, struggling to understand how our language can fill an entire dictionary and yet, not be able to adequately capture the impact of the one sentence, shared in a single moment in the Dean's office, brought me here... now.

Ugh. Clearly, as the pattern is quickly showing me, this is a lesson that I need to learn immediately: how to say 'God-speed' to someone I care about deeply. At the rate that these pillars of solid foundation are leaving in various directions, I very well may not acquire this skill in time to say 'safe journey, much love, write often' to any of them.

Stupid moments of, "you really ought to practice doing......"; these moments are really crampin' my style, not to mention my spirit.