"Take up Your cross and follow me?"

These are the words that we so often hear when the going gets tough... we need to take up our cross and follow Jesus. However, I dare to bet that no one ever really realizes how heavy, burdonsome, and un-fun that cross can really be.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about this in light of the Leukemia and everything that has come with that.

Not too long ago I had a friend tell me that I needed to own the Leukemia - I needed to somehow make it my own. Besides naming him Albert and having fun games in which we destroyed another part of Albert each day, I never really had a burning passion to own something so destructive and horrible - how could I?

But, after spending some serious time thinking about this, perhaps my scrapbooking adoring friend had a point. Perhaps there really is something to picking up your cross.

In doing some research I have discovered the fact that there is not a single picture that I could find where Jesus was smiling or overflowing with joy and found it quite surprising to discover that the look on his face tells the entire story. He is wearing the look that says, "I really wish I was sitting on my own in a Church somewhere right now" or "I don't deserve this" or even more simple, "URGH!" The pictures depict pain, agony, frustration, hurt, suffering, exhaustion, and betrayal. And somewhere and somehow - in studying these pictures, it clicked. These emotions began to sound really familiar and the crying out of Jesus very quietly started to sound more and more like my own voice.

Just like Jesus didn't have a choice of whether or not to actually pick up a cross and later be crucified upon it, I had no say in whether or not this Leukemia-thing was something I desired. No one asked if it was okay for me to battle this and no one asked if I was ready to fight it or whether or not I had the courage and strength to fight it. No one asked. No one asked how I felt about doing another round or if I would be okay with doing the "intense" three treatments a week for at least the first three of six weeks, whether I could handle missing Church and work, or how I felt about being "home-schooled" while in University. Not a single person... they all assumed that I would just simply take up my cross and follow Christ through this small lil' uphill battle.

With round two's start date looming dangerously near, the answer is no.

I did it... I really did. Ask MJ... Albert was dead and it is hardly fair to say that he rose from the dead just like another fellow we know.

No, I don't desire Leukemia. No, it's not okay to battle again when it didn't kill it the first time. No, I don't have the strength or courage yet to sign up on the dotted line to do it all over again. No, I don't want it to be intense, I don't want three weeks and no, a total of 6 more weeks is out of the question. No, I can't be away from Church any longer - or my job and no, being homeschooled in post secondary is stupid. No, I'm not ready to pick up my cross - I have only just admitted and realized that it is my cross to carry.

That is un-fun enough for right now...

Over and out,
A.