Last night was a particularily long night with many a trips to the bathroom. I take the joy in small servings as my night was spent popping gravol, I rejoice in knowing that for the past 20minutes, I have been able to keep a piece of buttered bread in my stomach. As means of distraction, I tried to think about the whole idea of hope and what I could honestly say that these youth wouldn't have heard before. I tried re-playing in my mind every step of where I made decisions with a feeble attempt to identify that one life changing moment in which I found the "new hope"
I couldn't find a single thing. In fact, I now think of myself as a coward more than anything else.
There was someone who, while sitting on a cold floor, grabbed each foot and layed out what the future could look like: known outcome or hope. And it was certain that others voiced their opinion and thoughts on the matter, whether I sought them out or not. I tried reading various sources on cancer and death and new treatments... I listened to various medical views and staff and even spent endless hours attempting to pray about it.
And all these things helped, there is no doubt about it... but the only turning moment or comment that really resonnates deeply right now is someone begging the question, "So... what - this means that you are going to start saying goodbye to all the important people in your life?"
I realized then, that I couldn't. I have never been really good at saying goodbye to anyone of value, human or pet, concept or belief. I am a traditionalist and it still shocks my closest friends that I joined another ship in the harbour with regards to my religious practice. I knew that there was absolutely no way that I could even begin to say goodbye to all these people, dreams, or hopes for the future and so that left me with either saying goodbye to all these things or fighting it off as long as I could. And, if it wasn't meant to be fought then I would just slowly slip away and wouldn't ever have to say goodbye.
This means that it wasn't so much finding a new hope somewhere as it was just trying to avoid the undesirable. Hmmm... is that finding hope? Or just hiding from something really scary and hard to do??
1 comment:
This isn't an answer to your post, just something that was in our Wholeness Through Christ readings a couple of weeks ago that made me think of you, because you've blogged about this.
"The cross illumines our hurts. It sheds light on them. It gives us a different perspective from which to view them. Reframed with wood from Calvary's cross our painful memory pictures look different...knowing that God suffers with us doesn't make our pain disappear...We may not be able to trace God's hand in what has happened, but we can still trust God's heart. Trusting God's heart encourages us to turn toward Him, instead of away from Him, to turn toward the cross and the road we must travel to get there."
Praying for you!
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