If I Could Tell Ya...

One of my favourite authors wrote a chapter entitled, "If I could tell you anything, I would tell you nothing" in which she described a day of her life in which she meant to have all these meaningful discussions and instead, accomplished nothing productive.

But it got me thinking... so here goes...

"Dear... You...

Yes, I am talking to You. I know, it is truly shocking. In fact, more shocking would be if You were actually listening. But then again, maybe it's better if you just leave me talk to You thinking that You're not listening. I can be more... candid.

I want You to know that, just like in any romantic comedy, "it's me, not you, that's the issue". Eeeeeveryone I talk to continues to assure me that YOU haven't gone anywhere, it's me that wandered off on my own - it was me that thought I could outwit, outplay and outlast You like in the Survivor reality show. Regardless of what piece of the journey I share with them, they seem to have reached this bizarre consensus that just like the Prodigal Son, I am the one who needs to "return" home because You never left. Please note that I am slowly working on accepting this notion, but it's not coming easily.

I also want You to know that there is not a night in which I fall off to sleep in which I don't think about how different life would be if I took the path You put before me rather than making the deliberate action to step off and away. All those people who shared their 'vision' and 'interpretation' of Your plan for me may have been right and instead, I struggle to find the next best thing because going back to the "best" thing is just not an option. Shocker number two? I just don't find the same joy that I once did and for the life of me, can't figure out why.

I alllllso want You to know that just like any bad break up, I am struggling to get closer. Not a sense of closure on our relationship because I think there might be a slim chance of rekindling that, but closure on the past. Maybe if I could just know whether or not it would have worked out, I could actually move forward instead of dwelling on what was and what could have been? Those same "people" keep telling me that if it is meant to be, it will happen. You and I both know that they are probably wrong. Everything in life involves conscious choice on some level, and what we do to occupy our time and pay our bills requires a rather large serving of conscious choice, don't You think? And theeeen, these "people" say, be patient. Hold on. Someone has their eye on you and you are about to sign up for the ride of your life.

I think You need to smite these people. Or something like that. I mean who says that? "Be patient". That's dumb. Just in case You didn't know. In case they missed the memo... it's not patience that's the issue. Or who tells another person that 'someone has their eye on you and you are about to sign up for the ride of your life'?? Clllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeearly they are ignoring their inbox memos frequently. If they know me a tiny little bit, they would know that I get car sick super easily (so I am NOT super keen on signing up for a "ride") and they would gather that I have been both baptized and confirmed (AND received), thus... there shouldn't be anymore signing up required.

I'm not tattling on them... I'm just sayin'... dorks.

Finally, I would tell You that I really only signed up and went into student debt for this second degree thing because I wanted two years of separation. Forget that 6 degree weird stuff. I wanted to quantify my distance in years. Degrees are too close for comfort... and they are hard to quantify. And yes, before You saying anything, I already know that my two years are up. But in fairness, we both know that You started dinging the "dinner bell" to remind me of the meal You prepared before two years had elapsed. Therefore, I declare a thumb-war.

Wait, wrong sport.

But it WOULD be cool if you made thumb wrestling an Olympic sport rather than shotput or discus. Men in tight one-pieces are just odd. Surely that's not what you had in mind when You gave someone the idea to create spandex in multi-colours.

Oh, and ps... a tomato should not be a fruit just because it's red and shaped very similarly to an apple.

PPS... I am keeping my ear plugs in, so please do not feel the need to roar the thunder or smash the lightening... just leave a message at the beep and I will happily return it as soon as I figure out how to manage this whole "direct connection" thing again.

That is all. You may now unplug Your ears.

Sincerely,

The Black Dog (because I am tired of the sheep reference... wasn't there any other animals in the time of Bible writings?)