Let your Light Shine

Well, Advent 4 has come and already gone and the self-assigned "advent reflection" seems to have fallen by the way-side in the blogging world. After reading a comment left on my previous post drawing attention to the fact that there is more to the Advent season than simply allowing the Christ child to come to us, broken, lost and wandering really got me thinking. I do not mean to lessen the importance of our journey to the creche as Christian people and solemnly believe that it should be a time of reflecting as well as genuflecting; a time of looking back on where we have come in light of where we are going as well as taking the time to pause upon the truly incredible gift that we are seeking out on this somewhat dark night.

Perhaps I understated Fr. A's sermon notes, but do not think so. For you see, I am a firm believer that not unlike the Magi, the journey should not be perilous. Challenging, yes, but not difficult.

For the past three months, I have been working with various individuals who have varying disabilities. Some are battling through the teenage years of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Disorder, some are Manic, Bipolar, Fragile X Syndrome and some do not necessarily fit within a boxed category but cannot read, write, or function as a "normal" individual (as much as I hate the word normal). Two of the handful that have entered my life are, for lack of better description, non-verbal. Although they can tell you what they want to eat, when they are hungry, tell jokes, repeat phrases, answer short questions, and have a wicked sense of humor... they will never sit down and write a novel or be able to describe in any length, how they are feeling.

But the truly incredible thing about these two individuals, is that in speaking almost no words, are the Gabriel's of the 21st Century, heralding the coming of the Christ child.

I was awake all night on Friday, sitting in the shadows of Kristy's (name changed) living room as she paced, stomped, stormed up and down the hallway, around the dining room table and back to her room. The bedroom door must have slammed 102 times throughout the night and the bathroom door, 101. There was screaming, yelling, water-cup throwing and puzzle destroying. Although my urge was to jump up and gently guide her back to bed, I sat there. Did not speak, but just let her be. She is stressed and the only way her body can work it out of her system is through manic behaviour. Needless to say, when she finally fell asleep at 6:30 Saturday morning, I dashed off to bed to catch an hour or two before the other two ladies in the house were up and needed my attention.

There I am Saturday morning, essentially drooling. I do not function well with little sleep. The second staff showed up and took the other two ladies to finish Christmas shopping as I sat with Kristy and had a cup of tea. It's hard to not let feelings of shear exhaustion get in the way of compassionate care. It's hard not to say, "hmm - too bad. We're not doing anything or going anywhere today because I couldn't sleep last night", believe me! Kristy went off and came back with her winter boots, a fancy pair of tights, a long skirt and her winter parka.

"Shopping?"

"For what?"

"Mom and Dad and Kristy"

"You want to go shopping for mom and dad?"

"Yes please"

"Why?"

"Santa Claus is coming to town"

So, bundling up, we stopped off at the bank, grabbed some lunch and tackled the mall. At each stop, she sang the one line, "Santa Claus is coming to town" to everyone we passed. Some smiled, others ignored. The day would have been a write off if we hadn't sat and rested a while and grabbed a bite to eat. There we are, in an over crowded food court, eating the mall's sad excuse for lunch, when four carolers stood 15 feet away. They started singing "Silent Night" and two lines in, my lunch date put her burger down, and started singing.

She didn't care what others thought, I don't think she even acknowledged that there were other people there. But there was... singing loudly and beautifully. As soon as they finished, she stood up and bolted in their direction. Approaching the man on the end, she slowly put her hand out towards his. He did not even hesitate. He turned his page and took her hand in his. There she stood... swaying her hips to their singing voices, holding his hand and singing right along with them.

Standing a few feet away, my eyes began to overflow. Kristy may not talk a lot, but at the end of the day... she "gets" it. She understands what the true meaning of Christmas is and how special that little baby really is for bringing joy and love and peace and happiness into the world. And as I sit in the glowing light of these four candles, the song that comes to mind is,

"Let your light shine, for all the world to see

The brightness of your light within, the joy that sets you free

Let your light shine, to fill your nights and days

And all will see the deeds you do and give your Father praise"

Yes, at the conclusion of this Advent season, almost on the Eve of the Christmas feast... this little heart is singing The Beatitudes as loud as I possibly can. And giving thanks to a Father who has once again, reminded me what it is like when I open myself to the possibility of being touched by a child, touched by a king.

Storms of all shapes and sizes

Our family spent the weekend at a friend's cabin. Having grown up with these two families, it was a wonderful, semi-relaxing time to catch up on all that had happened in each others lives since the last wedding. At one point back in elementary school, I think we actually called ourselves The Smart Muskateers, adding one more to our "elite" group when we hit junior high.

We have since lost touch with the friend who joined our group in junior high, not really talking to her in high school and probably have not seen her since graduating in 2003. However, the three of us still manage to see each other once or twice a year by the blessing that our three moms are really good friends and make a point of talking at least once a week. Our families have seen each other through temporary separations, poor crop and cattle years where we were forced to rely on the frozen meat and vegetables from the year before in order to survive, graduations of all sorts and sizes, and in the past year, two of three of us walking down the aisle and saying "I do".

As great as it was to catch up, it was truly an incredible weekend of storm watching and squatting (if I can use that term in this context...). Saturday was a gorgeous day, spent down on the water and playing beach volleyball. Sunburns were had in various proportions across the board and a large handful of good solid wipe outs on the water as various individuals tried their hand at tubing, wakeboarding, knee-boarding and skiing.

My two youngest siblings were scheduled to cater a wedding in a small, farming community about an hour away from the lake and so they hit the road (dressed like little penguins) in the mid afternoon. By the time Saturday evening had rolled around, clouds were beginning to build in the distance and shortly after our post-supper volleyball match, the younger crowd was hauled out of the water at the sight of rapid, intense lightening that was fast approaching. Before we knew it, the wind was more than we had prepared for and the awning on the trailer was pocketing the wind and shooting up, almost like a parachute would. (This caused numerous, un-bloggable words to leave dad's mouth!) and a panic to get everything put away and tied down before it was too late.

Then... while sitting on the swing watching the lightening and listening to the incredible thunder (yet, not raining) two of our crew came around the corner of the house, one handing his cell phone to my mom and one handing his phone to my dad... both of my sisters were trying to call and couldn't get through on anyone else's phones. The sky was green in the small community where they were; funnel clouds were spotted and it was storming worse than they had ever seen in their adolescent lives. The power in the hall had gone out and they were allowed to stay there for 30 minutes on back-up power, but if the breaker wasn't fixed in that short time, the wedding party would end early. You have to know my two sisters... if anyone would freak out in that situation, it would be them. One of them is scared of anything and everything and the other one is the baby of the family and simply doesn't have enough life experience to be "brave" in a situation like that where her older sister is crying and freaking out. Ha ha... oh man!

They attempted to take to the road and head back to the cabin themselves, but hit the large panic button when, while driving down the highway, witnessed a close-by lightening strike and virtually explode a tall tree and driving a few more feet to discover large, im-movable tree branches laying all over the road. The cell phones rang again, this time asking the guys to come and pick them up and bring them back.

All got home safely after hours of detouring and sitting to wait out the storm... late enough that I was actually startled when a gentle tap woke me up around 3 to ask if she could crawl into my sleeping bag. She was shaking - poor kid.

News reports yesterday showed incredible monetary damage to things from BBQ's blown down the street to a farmer loosing his barn and all his lifestock due to the falling barn and some scattering. Trees, literally, exploded when struck by the lightening - leaving debris all along the highway. Cement walls were blown down, a tower in the downtown core began to break off and injured people walking and in vehicles and a fire truck drove into a building. Semi's flipped, cars rolled into ditches, and trees decades old are no more.

This morning, a teary, red-eyed professor came in, apologized for his lateness and raspy voice, but a close friend died Friday night, taking his own life. Guess I'm lecturing more this term than I originally planned...

Gives a person a true sense of thankfulness that the storm, while damaging some crops and touching the lives of wonderful people, spared those who life couldn't exist without. Crops are easily enough to replace... adorable little sisters who want to crawl into the tent with you because they are still terrified of the stormy weather are both priceless and irreplacable!

I'm stuck.  Yup, not afraid to admit it and easily frustrated when others try and help by seemingly trying to clean off my stuck tires with a bucket of water.  Good intentions, just painfully not practical at the moment.  I guess there is a time and place and today is not the time and sitting on a hill is probably not the best place.  But... hey... in the larger picture - who cares?

The genuine question of the day, though is - how one can go about saying Happy Birthday to someone who still holds a huge place in your heart?  I'm caught up on the little things, and therefore - struggling to find the right words.  

Do you have any idea how magnificent the birthday greetings need to be for that one person who refused to give up on you, even when you would curse her under your breath, hide under the blankets, and tell them outright - you don't want to live in that state of health anymore?  What about for that person who unselfishly scheduled their work day around you: they dropped you off (in a rather grumpy state) in the morning for treatment, offered each and every day to stay and hold your hand, and was ALWAYS on the other end of the "magic cell phone" when you called in tears or jubilation, and asked her to come and get you... and who would leave work to come and get you?  For that person who would take you home, make the best grilled cheese in the world, fill your fuzzy hot water bottle, wrap you in a blanket, and sit with you - not leaving until you were completely past out?  

What do you say to the person who reacted the same, motherly way to dress shopping as she did to wig shopping, "YOU LOOK AMAZING" and then always follow it up by, "FOR REAL!" because you never felt as amazing as they described... or to the person who held you back from almost punching a lady in a busy store who misunderstood your gender by judging you solely on the ball cap you wore?  How can "happy birthday" be enough for the person who helped you break the rules, threw "chemo parties" and ever so gently, shaved the remaining few hairs from your head so that they wouldn't have to fall out?

For the individual who laid on your bed and read you chapters from Lord of the Rings so you could fall asleep on those difficult nights, and who never complained when your nightmares and endless tears about the dismal future brought her into your dark room... just to rub your back, dry your tears, and console you as best she could - how on earth, do you wish them a happy birthday?  

This is the lady who, as we sped to the hospital, put her seat all the way back, held your terrified hand and sung "You Are My Sunshine" over and over and over again; the person you left your provincial discernment meeting early for - so that you wouldn't miss one of the most important days of her life.  

She is the person you spent almost all day with, for the better part of two years... but also the mum you have only seen once since August.  

Somehow, the pathetic phrase, "Happy Birthday Mum" just isn't enough.  

It's a promise I made years ago...

As a side note, in my humble opinion, bread dip beats "Mr. Ben" cough syrup ANY day!  However, this Friday post isn't really about the bread dip OR cough syrup. 

Wearing the Sunday church hat, and clutching a matching purse,

sitting in the pew "studying" a prayer book, 

the musical family starts to sing a hymn that she knows,

by heart.

Standing up proudly, she sings about seas and skies, stars and light;

Snow and rain, loving tears and conversions of hearts of stone to that of love.

Then, the part she knows best, singing loud enough for everyone to hear her:

"Here I am, Lord

I will go, if you lead me

I will hold your people in my heart"

My memory is sketchy at the best of times, but I can tell you at least two things about this song... 1) that this song has always been one that resounds in a pretty deep and incredible way, and for which the words have always been on my lips and 2) It was a topic of discussion at my First Communion meeting with our parish priest.  

The priest that we had at the time was nearing retirement, but I was determined to celebrate my first communion before he left.  He knew our family quite well and so to ease the tension of our meeting, he asked me what my favourite piece of music to sing in church was.  I remember quite clearly, scooting to the edge of the chair, leaning forward, and telling him that it was the one that talked about seas, skies, love, hearts, and going somewhere.  He didn't laugh, but instead, asked me why that particular song was my favourite.  I never remembered my answer, though my mom, who was also there has reminded me over and over (apparently it embarrassed her slightly). 

She'd say, "you looked him in the eye and said, 'Because I want to hold people in my heart just like HE does... DUH!"

Oooops!  I guess "Duh" is not a theologically based word.  Or, it wasn't at the time.  I'm not sure how hard Fr. Al had to pull strings, but lo and behold, the Sunday when I made my First Communion, the very first communion hymn to play was none other than "Here I Am, Lord".  And, I remember this like it was yesterday... after taking communion for the first time, I raced back to the front pew, knelt down, and told Him that NOW, I was a big girl and NOW he could trust me with holding people in my heart too.  

So, while people tell me not to worry about them, be concerned for them, or even - not to pray for them, as many have... my response is simply, "I cannot break a promise"  It is a promise that I actually made years ago, and while I continually stumble and fall along this journey, I'll admit - there are some days where I could do a much better job at keeping this promise. I made a promise to hold His people in my heart; somedays, that brings worry but other days, it brings true joy.  Occasionally, it's really (really!) hard to keep this promise, while other days it remains straightforward.  

Clearly God put you on my heart for a reason, a season or lifetime - and that is right where ya'll will stay.  And yes, before you say anything, you're right... it's not always easy to hold ya'll in my heart and once in awhile, it feels pretty stretched out... but I wouldn't change anything and I hope you can deal with that, because if you can't, it's not me you should take it up with.  Any concerns or complaints should be made by calling 1-800-HE-LOVES (answered 24/7).   But before you call, know that I don't think he'll be removing you from my heart anytime soon!