The 1 Millionth Psalm

"I heard there was secret chord, that David played and it pleased the Lord..." (from Hallelujah, as seen in Shrek)

Relationships are a funny thing.  For when a relationship is blossoming well, all we want to do is sing the praises of the other person or how wonderful life is.  However, when relationships are hurting in some way, we exhaust ourselves trying to figure out how to "make things better" and return once again to that state of wonderful elation.  Yet, in our efforts to "make things better" or return things to the way they were, we so often get disorientated and get confused on which relationships we can affect and which ones are out of our control.  

On Monday, I literally will have spent 8 months agonizing over broken relationships with human loved ones.  I have tried to come up with various solutions and possible answers on how I can repair these relationships.  Everything from starting anew to pretending we had never met...all the while, ignoring the one, single relationship in my life that I actually had some influence upon. I don't think that the 8 months was necessarily "wasted" effort and time, I'm just kind of ashamed to admit that it took this long to realize which relationship I needed to put my energy into saving.  

And so... comes the creation of The 1 Millionth Psalm.  A song, a prayer, a heart - crying to God. 

I am well aware of the fact that the Bible contains 150 psalms and that a number of musical artists have written "151 Psalm"... but 1 million seems like a safer number.  It is a number that acknowledges the fact that after everything, I don't deserve to be 151st or 152nd or even 999 999th in line to bring my song before our God.  It also acknowledges that there will be time to ultimately prepare for that journey to the altar, for I believe it will take longer than 30 seconds for God to hear the psalms 151-999 999 and work with the psalmist. Which, in frank honesty, is what I need.  

However, all that blabbing aside it is written and ready for the day when it is my turn to approach in timid fear and sing it before the Lord, my God, the only true shepherd of lost and wandering souls.  And without any further adieu, I share with you... The 1 Millionth Psalm.

The One Millionth Psalm

2009

My faith was tried, my heart is cold

Running away from Your Fire of love. 

And now I sit,

On the edge of abyss,

Waiting for You to take me home. 

Oh my God,

Take me into your arms again

Oh my Lord,

Take me, and call me yours.

In this great mirror of life,

All I saw was me, O Lord.

But now I know,

I was wrong

Cause others...

Always shine of you. 

Please grant peace to those in life,

the loved ones I hurt

Heal their pain

with Your glowing love

Shower,

their paths with grace.

My eyes are healed,

the mud has cracked.

I can see Your Light, O Lord

But my soul,

it`s got a hole

Upon Your mighty altar, 

I lay it.

Music of the Soul

It comes as a shock to most people who find this out about me, but I speak Spanish fluently.  I do not have any direct family relatives (or indirect for that matter) who are Spanish speaking or hail from Spanish countries... nope, we are German and French, and now, Canadian.  

However, a family who provided music for our Sunday worship when I was a young child always sang this particular hymn in Spanish.  Although I never learned what the words meant until I was old enough to search for an English translation.  When I got to highschool, where Spanish was offered as a second language, my heart leapt at the opportunity to study it.  I carried these studies through my undergraduate work and speak Spanish - every chance I get with friends from other countries.  Such a beautiful and expressive language.  

This afternoon, I got an instant message from a friend who was wrapped up in concerns about what to do next, worried about this or that, and worked up about whether something was "right" or how the timing would work out.  And so, in true sharing, shared this hymn with her.  Surprisingly, it seemed to bring her some sense of comfort and peace.  

And, knowing that there are more than one of us out there who are worried about what the next step in our journey is, where it might take us, feeling anxious about moving on or staying put, searching frantically for the answers, courage, and grace... I share this hymn here, with you.  

Tu has venido a la orilla, 

no has buscado ni a sabios ni a ricos; 

tan solo quieres que yo te siga.

Senor, me has mirado a los ojos,

sonriendo has dicho mi nombre,

en la a rena ha dejado mi barca,

junto a ti, buscare otro mar.

Tu sabes bien lo que tengo;

en me barca no hay oro ni espadas,

tan solo redes y mi trabajo.

Tu necesitas mis manos,

mi cansancio que a otros descanse

a more que quiera sejuir amando.

Tu pescador de otros lagos,

ansia eterna de almas que esperan,

aamigo bueno, que asi me llamas.

The (rough) English translation is:

Lord, you have come to the seashore, neither searching for the rich nor the wise,

desiring only, that I should follow. 

O Lord, with your eyes set upon me, gently smiling, you have spoken my name; 

all I long for, I have found by the water, at your side, I will seek other shores.

Lord, see my goods, my possessions; in my boat you find no power, no wealth,

will you accept then, my nets and labour?

Lord, take my hands and direct them.  Help me spend myself in seeking the lost, 

returning love for the love you gave me.

Lord, as I drift on the waters, be the resting place of my restless heart,

my life's companion, my friend and refuge. 

It's incredible in so many ways - and could, soooo easily, be a simple prayer before the work we engage in daily - whatever that might be.  At various points along the journey, various verses or phrases hold the most impact.  Personally, if I can  manage to utter the words: "as I drift on these rough waters Lord, be the resting place of my restless, unsettled heart; you are my life's companion - friend and refuge"... then I'm improving.  

And for those of us who are in some way, worked up about "what comes next" - may we take heart and courage in trusting that God is gently whispering words of love and vocation to us and that it is ONLY with God at our side - that the seeking of other shores will happen.  Not alone, not on rough waters, and not without direction.  

Signed in love, from Whispers of the Grass

Author's note: a thank you goes out to my musical friend HGB for his help with this. I know that I will never be able to sing this to all those that deserve to hear it, but as I continue to crouch in the tall grass of the "back 40", may these words of my heart join the whispers of wind blowing through this void night and find the ears of those I owe it to the most. For until then, no words that my lips will speak will carry any meaning.

I fall a thousand times on my way away from you

I think I'm scared

The bruises on my knees are from a time of long ago of how

It used to be.

I think I'm lost

I think I don't know the way

If I used to be amazing, I'm sorry to deceive

If I used to by deceving, I'm sorry for the pain

If I've cost you this time,

Please forgive me.

I think I'm lost

I think I am afraid

I sacrifice what I have lost for what is soon to come

Or so it seems

I trade my soul so I can find a safe place to be

My hideaway

I think I'm lost

I think I don't know the way

If I used to amazing, I'm sorry to deceive

If I used to be deceving, I'm sorry for the pain

If I've cost you this time, please forgive me

I think I'm lost

I think I am afraid.