As I lay here under a quilt, an Oilers fuzzy blanket, my flannel/fuzzy blanket, a quilt and an afghan with a toque pulled over my ears, two pairs of socks, flannel jammies, mitts, and a hoody, I have reached the conclusion that I have no control over my body's temperature.
As tears slowly roll from my eyes to my pillow, more rapidly picking up the pace as the night progresses, I understand the concept of being 'emotionally uncontrollable' because I couldn't make them stop if I tried anything else.
As my thumb lingers around my mouth and my spare hand goes straight to my hairless head, I finally comprehend the fact that I have no control over habits that have been strictly formed in the last 21 years.
As I lay awake until the wee hours of the morning, trying to figure out where I went wrong, what I did that was unhealthy and trying to label some form of cause-effect behaviour because that is easier to cope with than accepting the fact that this whole disease and course of treatment is by mere chance and a bad luck of the draw, I surrender to the thought of having control over my thought patterns and stimulation.
As I wonder and worry about people I have spoken with throughout the day and those that I haven't, concerned that I said the wrong thing, was too impatient, or just didn't have the gumption to pick up the phone and try to explain in detail how I feel or what my day has been like, I struggle to accept that which I can not change.
However, I have control on my attitude in which I start the day with, the presence and grace that I execute my routine with, and the perseverance that I "walk on" with in spite of all odds. It's not a lot, I know... but it's something. It is the only piece of control I still have in my life and so you can imagine the horror when someone tries to tell me how to go about one of these aspects of daily living... tries to dictate the minor details. If only they could have the grace to go through that which they can not control, everything just may be managable. Not ideal, but managable. Instead, perhaps in trying to fix their past or paint their future, they decide the life decisions of others.
If only they would have known, they would have realized that they are not alone.
They don't have that right nor that priveledge. They have a match and are standing on the bridge they wish to burn. If only...
3 comments:
I don't think you need to apologize for being honest. And certainly no reason to apologize for what you feel. Your friends and pray-ers should understand and respect your wishes and I'm sure that all would be willing to 'cut you some slack' during this extremely trying time.
Powerlessness is difficult for everyone to accept. I'd guess that many of your friends are struggling with their own feeling of powerlessness under these circumstances, wishing and trying to find something they can do to help; just as you struggle with your own feelings of powerlessness. I think one of the hardest things we can do is to face and acknowledge this truth.
You are right, though, you can and do control your attitude and there are boundaries that you can dictate regardless of what others think.
One thing to remember, you didn't do anything to cause this, you didn't do anything to deserve this, it is simply horrible.
I will continue to pray for you. Blessings.
Dear Angela -- Your wise friend "xristo" said it best. The powerlessness you are experiencing is understandably very frustrating. And our powerlessness to help you is also quite agonizing. But we are all growing through this -- called to ever deeper conversion, and trust in the Lord. If you see a Via Rail train go by tomorrow, it might be me inside praying for you as I head back home from Winnipeg, along with my 81 year-old mother. May you be ever carried on angelic wings of hope and a renewed joy.
Your description of being swaddled in everything warm you can get on sounds as though you have malaria, but I know better.
My prayers continue. I pray that you can continue to be honest with yourself and the world and throughout it all remember that God loves you extravagantly and weeps that you are suffering right now.
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