The fire is a ragin'

I have tried watching a movie on the lowest volume, reading, and trying to think things through - however, nothing seems to be working.  I am attempting to slow my mind down to a pace which is suitable for sleep once again and clearly failing miserably.  

Have you ever been woken up abruptly by teary dream?  The kind of dream that literally has you crying and when you wake, your heart is racing, your cheeks and pillow are completely wet, and you feel more exhausted than when your eyes shut the first time?  It doesn't happen all that often, but every once in awhile, there are nights like tonight.  Nights where I wake up, in the middle of a fit of tears, almost feeling like the current state of dismal outside.  

We are currently experiencing a number of "close to home", out of control grass fires.  The skies constantly are dark because of the smoke and out here on the farm, we are currently surrounded by three local counties who have declared states of emergency (including our own county).  The smoke is so heavy, it is literally hard to breathe and the inhaler is kept in the back pocket for easy and frequent access.  It's hard to know which way to turn at a rarely encountered intersection because some road signs are actually unreadable with the copious amounts of smoke.  And, naturally, so many local roads are closed that it's impossible to keep up with the updates.  Often, on trying to find a route home, one encounters barricades, a fire crew or local volunteers stationed in such a way that strikes panic and forces "on the feet" thinking to find another route.  

It is the times in life when life itself is in a "fire" situation, that I have the exhausting, teary dreams.  When the barricades appear to be blocking my desired route of required travel, I require aids to continue breathing, and when the smoke and smog is so thick and unbearable - it brings about concern and frustration at the same damn time.  

I will admit to the fact that a fire has been burning in my life for quite some time now, but up until a few days ago, I honestly felt as though it was being battled and declared "in control"... but clearly the winds have changed, picked up, and caused havoc!  

While I continue to reflect on the "winds of change" that are present and blowing ever so.... "lovely" (good thing it's sarcastic Wednesday!), for lack of wanting to cause offense, say something I might later regret, or further spread the fire in any way, I will just say this.  

"Dear Changing Winds, 

I trust you.  I trust you as much as an exhausted firefighter who refuses to leave the post, can trust at a time like this.  No more... and no less and this is actually in your control.  I trust that you are blowing where you need to blow and pushing the fire in the direction  you subconsciously know is best.  I also trust that you are unstoppable in that I can never "stop" or "capture" the wind, only respond appropriately to God's element.  However, please, please, please... I wish you could do something, (ANYTHING!) to give me a heads up warning on where you are going and blowing so that I can be prepared.  For it is a struggle to trust and follow where you go when it is without warning or when your direction seems in so many ways at once.  

That is all. 

Signed, 

Your Chief Firefighter"

Oh, Damn Mug of Blessed Tea!

When I got sick Nov. 06, my mum did what any parent would do for their loved, adopted child... research, research, research! In fact, it often surprised me that she knew rules about cleanliness, sterile environments, and general "good health guidelines" for chemotherapy patients before I was informed by my doctor, no kidding! However, I regret to inform you, that one of the pieces of information she read said that green tea, which is extremely high in antioxidants, was recommended for cancer patients. These natural chemicals help to flush the body of toxins that are hanging around, and when going through something like chemo, there were more toxins than my body could physically handle.

So... every morning, my mum would get up early enough to boil a kettle of water and steep a pot of this blessed green tea. I promise you, the green tea was more of a fixture in our morning struggle to get out of bed and convince myself that I wanted to live and chemo was the best method to do so, than "discussing" alternative destinations for the car to go in the morning.

Every morning... I would saunter downstairs with my backpack packed: my blanket (it rarely came out, but I needed to know it was there, just in case I had to spend the night), a book (occassionally a colouring book), my computer, ipod, and Booker the Bear (often stuck out the top). And, waiting at the bottom of the stairs was my mum - proudly holding a travel mug of that damn green tea. Most mornings, I would try to "forget" the mug on the counter before we left, but somehow, she knew. She would soon appear in the drivers seat with the darn mug full of that blessed awful tea.

To humor her, I always had to take a giant gulp (as giant as one can when it's still boiling hot) before I got out of the car each morning. I would slowly sip on it as I waited for the blood results, waited for the nurse, and waited to have the treatment start. However, as chemo does, it wasn't long before I traded that mug for a kidney basin; not having much in my stomach from the night before, and only a few bites of breakfast, my brain connected the green tea, to getting sick.

Psychologists have published numerous papers that declare taste aversion as one of the most difficult learned behaviours to break... AND, I am case in point. To this day, more than two years later, the very smell of green tea causes my stomach to churn and that lingering acidic taste to develop in my mouth. I know that logically, it doesn't make sense. My brain is fully aware of the fact that the chemo drug mix lead to the nausea and vomiting... it wasn't the green tea. And yet, at the same time, it is linking green tea with being sick.

And so, tonight, as I lay awake into the wee hours of the morning, I owe you an apology - oh damn travel mug of blessed green tea; I'm sorry... all those times I cursed you silently under my breath and wrinkled my nose at the thought of having to drink, one...more...sip... it was never your fault! But rest assured, oh green tea, I am working frantically on taste aversion reversal - so that one day, real soon, I may savour your lovely antioxidant taste!!

Author's note: As those of you who know me well already know, I have considerable difficulty sharing my inner most thoughts and feelings in a blunt, "out there" sort of fashion. I am not someone who can "let it all hang", though I am getting better at it (thanks to the HolyMitredOne who lead by example through life). Anyway, all this to say that a very, very dear friend is offering themselves as lovely company, a consoling ear and an experienced heart... and while I long to take her up on it, for my heart is heavy and my head is spinning, we would be meeting over a cup of green tea (not actual green tea, but there is another necessary component needed in order to be able to talk through it, but to that, I have a slight learned aversion, similar to the green tea). It seems that green tea is the necessary common ground, but I don't know how to say, "Please don't walk away, I just can't bring myself to drink a cup of green tea... just a little longer? I'm trying and training, for I long to be able to drink it again... really I am...