Lost

Others see me, and tell me that I am lost. They point me out to all their friends and whisper about how I have strayed from "the way", whatever "the way" really is. To them, I am different. I no longer do things the same way that they do, nor pretend to understand the same things they pretend to. Although I look the same as I always have, to them... for some reason, I am different.

But they are wrong. I dare not tell them, for I fear their reaction. I have not changed at all; au contrar as the French would say, for on the contrary, I have not changed. I have withdrawn.

I have pulled myself away from this insane world we all call home for a moment of solace. In an attempt to figure things out, I have pulled back. It is here that I sit, confused, quiet, and tearful. There is nothing that I can do to ease the pain of a loved one or to soothe their stormy lives and so here I pause. I am trying to find courage, discover strength, inspire hope. I am not punishing myself or satisfying those who wish not to see me... but simply problem solving or pondering the many paths I can take upon leaving this inner wilderness. I just need to think through what would be the best for you, one of the few people I would do anything for.

God chooses the ordinary

I cannot sleep.  Not that this is surprising or anything as my mind is trying to understand a number of things annnnnnd, I had a Diet Coke.  I should know by now that DC is a bad thing to drink within hours of wanting to be asleep... hmm... chalk it up to... negligence?  

The Bible is always being "pop-psyched" up and beautiful passages are being summed up in short phrases of 21st Century English.  However, sometimes the pop-psych phrase seems to "fit".  The quote, "God chooses ordinary people for extraordinary service" derives from this passage from 1 Corinthians 1:26-31 (I believe...) and it is this very passage that is haunting the hallows of my mushy brain tonight.  

This week can be summed up as follows:

Monday: I finished putting together a DVD to mail to the East Coast for the Relay for Life. Never done a Relay, don't know 99.8% of the people in the pictures that I've included in the short movie, and have no idea if I've done what I was supposed to or will have my offer accepted again.  But when I asked my youngest sibling (16 yrs old) to watch it with me and offer feedback... the tough lil' basketball star dried her eyes and said, "wow".  I can't help but wonder in amazement - how this is even possible.  I will put it in the mail shortly and find out whether I was on track or off by a screeching mile; something tells me it's more on than I could have asked for.  I also spent two hours walking a classmate through course material for the midterm the next day.  Didn't bother me in the slightest - I had nothing better to do and yet, she wouldn't stop saying thank you.  Really... no big deal.  I was studying anyways.  

Tuesday: I cleaned out my spare change and bought a bus ticket that was valid for two hours.  Took the train downtown and made a few important stops.  I stopped at my favourite flower shop and ordered a lovely arrangement of flowers (and dropped off a hand made card) for a fellow employee celebrating a big day and asked that the flowers be delivered "from a secret sender".  The owner of the shop, whom I've come to know quite well, was asking about my studies and what my life plans were.  Chatting briefly, she took my number and wrote it below "Positive, Bubbly Personality" and vowed to call me when she filed her application to the University.  She always wanted to study further, but was sitting on the fence.  Apparently 5 minutes of my time and my story was enough to give her the confidence to file an application and see what happens.  I still await her call, but have no doubt in my mind that it will come.  

The next stop was to a party store where I picked up plastic champagne glasses, paper plates, funny shaped balloons, a Happy Anniversary banner, sparklers, a #1 shaped candle, and party hats.  I also managed to find a "question mark" shaped sparkler.  Before heading back to the University, I made a quick stop for plastic cutlery, a cheesecake topped with fresh fruit, and "sparkling apple juice" - the kind that comes in a real champagne bottle but is not at all alcoholic - "kids wine".  Trudging all this stuff to the office in which I work part time as a contracted employee, I managed to enliven the afternoon of 4 wonderful people for a bit.  My supervisor was celebrating her 1 year anniversary with the program (hence the banner, candle, cake, etc) while her boss (the main director of the program) celebrated her "?" birthday on Saturday.  Decorating the boardroom with much laughter and "I CANNOT believe you did this!! I will never forget this day!  and I don't know whether to cry or laugh" comments from the anniversary-celebrant... we partied for a total of 15 minutes, then packed up and all went back to work.  

Wednesday: While playing a ball game (and not at ALL) on duty, had one of my players hit the ball (a nice double!), and then fall to the ground.  As my team knows that I have a 'bit' of training in the medical realm, I got to tend to this young man until the paramedics showed up.  We iced it and gave him water to drink and distractions to think of while he lay in the shale.  It appears that he tore the majority of ligaments in his knee and dislocated the knee cap itself.  I also got a call from a high school classmate who is going through more life conversions than anyone should have to, who just wanted to chat.  I'm not sure that I said anything of great value, but was willing to share what little experience I had with transitions and got to listen to them share their story.  At the end of the conversation, a very hushed, "thank you, can we talk tomorrow?" came over the phone.  And, to top it off, had someone email me a sermon for Sunday and ask my humble opinion.  (I tried to explain that I'm not really in that frame of mind, but they insisted that I read it through... have yet to do so, but it's on the list!)

I also took a phone call from 1-yr anniversary supervisor who was "just calling to let (you) know how touched (I) was yesterday".  

I don't know what to say.  I think it's that lightbulb realization that this type of week... is my life.  I honestly believe that if someone were celebrating an important anniversary of something, I would commend them and celebrate with them if they let me.  (There are some who never respond to anniversary wishes, but that's their choice, I guess)  If someone was in need of comforting or someone to take authority and say, "don't move him, get ice, call 911" - I would do that in a heartbeat.  I will never turn down someone's request for coffee or a chat because if they trust me enough to want to talk, I'll be there.  I know of a chaplain who refers to this notion as the economy of grace - that when you invest and share grace with others, you invest in them: their futures, their aspirations, their life.  

It's the powerhouse realization that, I dare say, in order for me to invest this grace in others - someone first has invested in me.  They did so on the basis that I would pay it forward... tHEy did so with the understanding that, although just an ordinary person - in the eyes of others, it may be extraordinary.  I just hope that HIS holy investment doesn't come with too many expectations.  And, for the record, I think that although this individual is 45 hours away, I may have been "Cliff-ed" today.  DOH!

The fire is a ragin'

I have tried watching a movie on the lowest volume, reading, and trying to think things through - however, nothing seems to be working.  I am attempting to slow my mind down to a pace which is suitable for sleep once again and clearly failing miserably.  

Have you ever been woken up abruptly by teary dream?  The kind of dream that literally has you crying and when you wake, your heart is racing, your cheeks and pillow are completely wet, and you feel more exhausted than when your eyes shut the first time?  It doesn't happen all that often, but every once in awhile, there are nights like tonight.  Nights where I wake up, in the middle of a fit of tears, almost feeling like the current state of dismal outside.  

We are currently experiencing a number of "close to home", out of control grass fires.  The skies constantly are dark because of the smoke and out here on the farm, we are currently surrounded by three local counties who have declared states of emergency (including our own county).  The smoke is so heavy, it is literally hard to breathe and the inhaler is kept in the back pocket for easy and frequent access.  It's hard to know which way to turn at a rarely encountered intersection because some road signs are actually unreadable with the copious amounts of smoke.  And, naturally, so many local roads are closed that it's impossible to keep up with the updates.  Often, on trying to find a route home, one encounters barricades, a fire crew or local volunteers stationed in such a way that strikes panic and forces "on the feet" thinking to find another route.  

It is the times in life when life itself is in a "fire" situation, that I have the exhausting, teary dreams.  When the barricades appear to be blocking my desired route of required travel, I require aids to continue breathing, and when the smoke and smog is so thick and unbearable - it brings about concern and frustration at the same damn time.  

I will admit to the fact that a fire has been burning in my life for quite some time now, but up until a few days ago, I honestly felt as though it was being battled and declared "in control"... but clearly the winds have changed, picked up, and caused havoc!  

While I continue to reflect on the "winds of change" that are present and blowing ever so.... "lovely" (good thing it's sarcastic Wednesday!), for lack of wanting to cause offense, say something I might later regret, or further spread the fire in any way, I will just say this.  

"Dear Changing Winds, 

I trust you.  I trust you as much as an exhausted firefighter who refuses to leave the post, can trust at a time like this.  No more... and no less and this is actually in your control.  I trust that you are blowing where you need to blow and pushing the fire in the direction  you subconsciously know is best.  I also trust that you are unstoppable in that I can never "stop" or "capture" the wind, only respond appropriately to God's element.  However, please, please, please... I wish you could do something, (ANYTHING!) to give me a heads up warning on where you are going and blowing so that I can be prepared.  For it is a struggle to trust and follow where you go when it is without warning or when your direction seems in so many ways at once.  

That is all. 

Signed, 

Your Chief Firefighter"

A Journey of a Lifetime

I believe that I have alluded to this journey before now, and if I haven't, then I hope that this brief explanation will make some degree of sense.  This past Advent season, I had the incredible blessing of walking a sister through Advent.  The journey was facilitated through a rather "P.S. I Love You" type fashion with cute, little, neon green envelopes and letters.  It was also met with the occasional little tangible reminder of that week's theme, just in case reminders were required as the weeks progressed.  

Regrettably, through a series of unfortunate events in my life, I was never able to send the final, Christmas Eve package.  I then thought that I could send it for Epiphany, however, that too fell through.  It will still get sent, I just don't know when.  And, as far as that goes... it is quite evident that this message was supposed to be delivered way before now - and probably not in the form of an afternoon blog entry - but I've got to work with what I have.  So... I am open to your feedback, please let me know what you think about this... 

I have a little wooden creche in which I have stuffed some fake straw from Michael's (the craft, expensive, superstore).  Underneath a small section of burlap, where the infants head would lay, there is a small piece of mirror.  

Why?

Well, because this sister's journey was about a deliberate walk from hectic chaos, to the side of the manger... to journey back to that incredibly silent and amazingly holy night to look into the innocent and loving face of our Saviour.  I have a theology of ministry in which each one of us is born with a tiny piece of mirror, often found in our soul.  This mirror is responsible for reflecting out to the world, the "image of God" that rests within us.  Because we are human, each one of us was created in love and made in the incredible image of God.  As we engage this seeking journey we call life, we reflect the piece of God within us to all whom we meet, and we learn a little bit more about God viewing the mirrors of those whose paths cross with ours.  

I am a firm believer of this.  That God resides in each one of us, reflecting the true essence of God back out to all of God's beloved.  This puts a very serious responsibility upon each one of us, in that we are always called to openly share the true love, mercy, grace, forgiveness, hope, faith and joy that God is.  Sometimes, we trip and fall and our mirror becomes cloudy and full of fingerprints, but we always have the long list of chances to fix this.  

Each one of us carries a slightly different reflection of God, and what a blessing that is!  It gives us the chance to ALWAYS engage this seeking journey.  Just imagine how crappy it would be if we met someone else with the same Godly reflection that we already knew or have seen... that would seriously stink!  We would just get sooooo bored of journeying because we would be seeing the same thing every few steps.  Can you say... BOOOOORING!! 

So, my sister, as the deliberate journey to the creche comes to an end and the journey from the creche into the world has only just began, I send you this tiny mirror as a constant reminder of the reflection of God that God has placed within you.  While it is often a terrifying experience to journey into the night, my prayer for you will always be that you may find that incredible sense of grace to walk with your head held high.  God has entrusted a very integral part of His awe-some being upon your mirror - that only you have.  There will be no one else to share this part of God with the world, so gather up your courage (already instilled within you), hold your head high, and walk humbly in the love that God has set aside for you and you alone.  Do whatever it is that you need to do first, but don't waste time feeling sorry for yourself.  There is a reason you are who you are... and God is calling you in a very deliberate way - right now.  

You know that Disney is an integral part of my life and while this quote is Disney in nature, I believe that it very much applies to your journey and Christian life, and so I pass it on to you (on behalf of someone else, much more incredible and awe-some than I); 

"There is something you must always remember: You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, 

even if we're apart... 

I'll always be with you."

Go forth in love and mission, my sister, Go Forth!  And, as you journey, Godspeed (May God be with You!)

The Fallen Angel

I am trying to think... (a dangerous thing, for sure!) I might be wrong, but I thought there was a children's book about an angel who fell from heaven and spent time wondering the earth in search of meaning, hope, and direction.  Along her way, this little angel meets a variety of interesting characters who, through their interactions, teach her that God is with her wherever she roams - whether the heavens or the earth below.  If not, someone really ought to write one!!

Saturday night, I wandered aimlessly into the parish in which I was raised, worked in, and left rather abruptly two years ago.  While it really didn't have that warm, "welcoming home" feel to it, I occasionally moved my lips to the words of hymns, pretended to pay attention to the readings, and was half-heartedly following along through the Eucharist.  I now understand what it must feel like for all those lapsed Catholics who stumble into churches twice a year to "do their duty".  

This polish priest, the same priest who was there when I left and who walked up and down past the church graveyard talking to me about feeling called to follow Christ for hours, made an interesting point in reference to Epiphany and following the Star.  He pointed out that the star is actually present each night in the sky, but we are all too often caught up in the vast darkness that surrounds it.  Regardless of where we are heading in life, or what kind of vocational journey we are on, each one of us is guaranteed to feel overwhelmed by the darkness and lose sight of the guiding star.  However, he seemed to think that all it would take is asking for a journey companion, who can still see the star, to encourage, to cheer, to chat with... He seemed to think that we will all make it to the creche, like the wise men, to give a piece of ourselves to the infant.  

It's a lot to chew on, and I'm honestly not sure how I feel about it... but to say that it's comforting to know that even angels fall.