Not for the weak of stomach

Sorry, I apologize in advance for the "graphic" nature of the picture, but this dear toe is the subject of reflection this afternoon.

A few days ago, post the funeral of a young family friend, and before the craziness of this week set in, I went for a hike. Not an incredibly long journey, but long enough that I learned a valuable life lesson... hence, the reflective blog post.

Here is the short story of my toe, or "relatively short story" of my toe. When I was in grade 10, back in 2000, I was going to change from gym class, and had a heavy fire door opened on my toe. I was going into the gym and previous class was leaving. While wearing runners, my toe managed to get wedged between the bottom edge of the door and the floor, resulting in bleeding and a minor annoyance of pain. A few weeks later, before the nail had a chance to fall off, we were playing floor hockey in a friends basement and I managed to "accidently kick" (paradox, I think not!) the piece of 2x4 that was the beginning of them framing their basement. The nail fell off rather painlessly, but has been a pain in the ass ever since. I have had two complete nail ressections (removal of the entire visible nail), endless doctors appointments and open toed shoes, as well as one surgery to go in and remove the nail while also destroying the nail matrix.

Unfortunately, my toenail seems to be a close relative to the raspberry stalk because nothing will kill the damn thing. Since the surgery, the nail has grown back in on a sharp angle (like is seen above) and would catch on anything and everything, pulling it back a little more each time. Things like sheets, blankets, socks, edges of steps, the sidewalk, you name it.

So, really wanting to get out and go hiking this past week, I wrapped the toe in prowrap, and secured that on with a surrounding bandage of hockey tape. That sucker wasn't going to catch on anything as I hiked my way through the bush. About half way through the afternoon though, there was a twinge of pain coming from my foot. Sitting down in a resting grove, I carefully took my boot off, then my sock, and then the first layer of bandage before I noticed some blood.

Carefully cutting off the prowrap and tape together, I could assess the damage more easily. To my surprise, the jagged edge of a nail was gone and I only had some blood to deal with.

It's amazing what our feet can tell us. Before that afternoon, I never would have guessed that my nail had a purpose in my life, but in fact, it's purpose is pretty incredible. You see, when the little piece of nail was there, it was a reminder to slow down and watch where I walked, avoiding anything that might snag and hurt. But without the nail, I am still the same person. There was weeping blood to dry off and clean up, but eventually - the toe stopped bleeding and began to heal over. The pain subsided and I was able to hike back down, the same way I came up.

Sometimes, life is just like a toe. There are days where it might seem incredibly pointless to engage, as though it is something without a deeper meaning. However, if we are attentive enough to our own "selves", we know to look out for snagging material that will cause pain, further injury or headache. And sometimes, unfortunately, we will lose things in life before we want to. (I much rather would have preferred the nail to stay on until the doctor's appointment in September for him to see and evaluate!) But after some weeping and mouring, we will be okay, successful, optimistic in a brighter tomorrow. The pain will fade, the mess will be cleaned up, and the journey will be continued as though our crisis was nothing more than a resting place along the walk.

It seems so mundane and simple and I wish that I would have understood it before now, but I've always been a tangible learner and need to experience things to learn from them. I will miss Reed, the same way I will miss and wish my toenail was still here. Toes are certainly more beautiful when 10 are painted, not just nine; life more beautiful and spectacular with dear friends and near family. There will always be a gap in the nailpolish, but that's okay. My toe, just like my life over the past little while, was a learning experience I wish to never forget and may the (temporarily) nail-less toe be a reminder of the incredible grace and peace I experienced on that hillside that afternoon. And may this ugly looking toe be a gentle whisper reminder of the slow turning point to come back home, out of the bush - and into light of life. TBTG!

... is where my priorities rest

*deeeeep breath..... deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep breath. In through the nose, out through the mouth.

This week, looking at the dry erase board on the wall, the schedule looks like this:

Monday

- essay due (still have to proof read and edit)

- ball game (playoff game, required to be there, take bases, playing first base)

- must have lecture one and two memorized for final (see Wednesday)

- call to arrange a possible work interview for Tuesday (calling to check on what time works best)

- 1.5 hours of class

Tuesday

- Movie analysis #4 due

- 4.5 hours of class

- must know lectures 3 and 4 for final exam (approx 20 pages of information total to go through)

- start reading for term paper

- potential interview time with home care client

Wednesday

- final exam from 1030-noon

- play off ball game, must play, short girls

- finish reading for term paper

- write term paper (due at midnight)

Thursday

- hand in a hard copy of the term paper

- hopefully get out to the lake for the last time this summer for a day (would be less than 24 hours, but after finishing up the requirements for my degree, I think it's okay to take 24 hours at the lake?)

Friday

- ball tournament in neighbouring city - approx 45 minute drive away, possible game (may end up with a draw that is the weekend only)

- do all my laundry

Saturday

- ball tournament

- wedding guest for Wonder Chemist (though, I'm a little annoyed that he only "found out about it" yesterday - leaving a weeks notice for the arrangements to be made to get out of other commitments)

- playing music at church Saturday night for a healing hour

Sunday

- volunteering at an Auto-Cross event

- playing music at church in the morning for the pilgrimage (people travel hours to attend this service)

- hopefully making it out to one or two ball games to sub the gals that would have been forced to play all morning

I'm feeling just a little overwhelmed. I was doing okay - but then I got a text from a friend informing me that THIS week is her last week before she goes back to an Orient country to teach for a year and probably won't be back in Canada until this time next summer. She is like an older sister, but her text honestly led to hyperventilation. After the events of last week, and the high stress of this week, I now need to re-work the week so that I can fit some sister-friend time in. Just need to remember to breathe. But until then, I shall sit here and continue to push the "panic" button that plays to the tune to "I am slowly going crazy, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, SWITCH!" from Sharon, Lois and Bram.

Today is a Moth Kinda Day

I'm not sure if it's "moth season" and I cannot pretend to know if certain weather conditions lead to an influx in the moth population, but I DO know that there are a whooooole lotta moths around right now. I did laundry over the weekend (our washer is finally fixed!!) and hung the clothes out over night, in between evening rain storms. Bringing them into the house on Monday, I have been putting on clothes while simultaneously booting moths out.

Note to self... shake 'em BEFORE bringing them in next time!

While they do not bite, make a lot of noise or creep me out... I cannot help feeling overwhelmed by the swarm of moths in my room, clothing, and life right now.

And, at the same time, I cannot help feeling like a moth myself. Reflecting the worldly shades of grey, searching everywhere for a speck of light to lead me home; bumping into everything on my way, wishing to nestle somewhere warm and dark to rest.

I have been told that when someone great dies, especially by surprise, we are entitled to get momentarily lost in a world that will never be the same. The world is allowed to be seen in shades of black, white and grey and the sun is allowed to hide behind the large clouds. The stars will appear to stand still while the music sings in a minor key.

Well, I guess this is just the way things will be for a little while and I should just be okay with bein' a moth.

the only good thing about losing someone you care about...

Actually, in all honesty... who am I kidding? There really, truly isn't anything good about losing someone that you care about. I was trying to be really, super duper positive, but the closest that I can get to "that" is to say that at least the most emotional, gut-wrenching, upseting, disgusting part of the day is done.

As far as funerals go, no offense to my Catholic friends, but the Catholics have a long way to go to improving them. But all in all, mourning and grieving aside, Fr. Paul did an okay job. And that says a lot coming from a "used to be Catholic" gal. He is pretty old fashioned, but equally pastoral.

And now, for lack of being able to reflect anything productive, it's off to the night class to stare off into space, pretend I'm listening, and look like I'm taking down the odd note about what she is saying.

Puffy eyes 'n' all... man, sometimes life just knocks the wind right outta ya.

My fingers are numb...

I was always taught when growing up, that if the world ever gave you something that stirred that urge inside of you to punch something/someone else, reach for an ice cube.

Well, my fingers are number than numb, so what I'm trying to say is that any spelling errors I make, are not my fault.

My fingers are numb because I am upset about the human condition and how people have been trained to respond to tragedy by saying, "I'm sorry...." I understand that there is a certain level of empathy at play here, whereby the other person is acknowledging the pain of a situation by potentially apologizing for the fact that life sucks. I get that.

But honestly, it is THEE most unhelpful, pointless, mundane, ambivilent phrase in the English language. Those two cursed words should be reserved for apologies and apologies only, where you are at fault for something and you are remorseful. And, as a huge introvert who likes to ponder the shit out of every little thing, I would rather hear "Wanna talk?" than "I'm sorry". Seriously. Because I would be more open to talking through how much life sucks and hearing their honest, unreserved account of why life either sucks or it doesn't than to hear that they are "sorry" for some random misfortune that they had absolutely no part in.

I don't know... maybe I'm just upset because on a night where I need to talk the days events out, the two people I turn to, immediately drop the "I'm sorry" bomb on the conversation as if it will make everything better. Or, maybe it's true... maybe "I'm sorry" is a phrase that is abused in our lexicon and we need to work on changing this.

Up to you. I'll supply the ice cubes.

Feelers

Everyone, at some point, has done that thing in life where they first send feelers into a conversation, testing the waters to see if the other person is open to having a deep conversation about the shit-tayness that comes with life. Sometimes we discover that in fact, this the person we can talk to, confide in, and share the strains and stresses of the day while other times, the radar comes back, "NO WAY NO WAY NO WAY" for whatever reason. The other person is too busy or preoccupied or would just prefer to not participate in such a conversation.

Often, when people are sending feelers out to us, it's obvious - they give subtle hints that there is something bugging them that they want to talk about, but sometimes - we haven't the slightest clue until something triggers us much later in the day.

This morning, I was running behind. There is too much bubbling around between these ears to get a good night sleep as of late, so when the alarm goes - there is a consider amount of grumbling, moaning, and sighing to start the day. Racing through the shower, throwing a lunch together and trying to find clean clothes to wear (not in that order -and our wash machine is broken) in 15 minutes was a challenge. And when sibling #2 stood in the porch entryway in her pj's while I tried to find shoes and get out the door, I didn't even take a moment to ponder why she asked, "Did you hear what happened last night?" I honestly thought she was going to tell me about someone who came into work, someone passed on a juicy piece of community gossip or that her ball team qualified for the playoffs (this last one would truly be a long shot, but I was being optimistic). If I would have taken 2 seconds (seconds!) to look up at her before I answered, my answer would have been different. But, I didn't. She was putting out the feelers, and I was completely ignoring the fact that she was doing so. "No, but can we talk about it when I get home this afternoon? I am going to miss the bus and that would be a bad thing!"

"Yea" she said... and didn't move as I turned and ran out the door.

I got a phone call/voice message during my class that was a frantic and upset sibling #2, mumbling something about how she was had called into work to let them know she couldn't go in, and they were insisting on having a doctor's note.

After calling her back, returning the message from the doctor's office about a surgery date, and re-arranging some work commitments I had that afternoon, I found out in a hysterical manner that a friend of the family was killed in an ATV accident last night; there was no way she was going into work, let alone - hold herself together long enough to tell me what was going on over the phone.

Later in the afternoon, as I was heading home to switch vehicles and clothes for class tonight, the events of the past few days had hit hard and I too, needed to be momentarily hysterical with someone. So, just like my sibling did this morning, I put the feelers out to someone I felt comfortable talking to - and surprisingly, got the same "NO WAY NO WAY NO WAY" response that I had given my sister this morning. They had a long day, an appointment stood them up, and will be moving in the next week and probably had a million other shrimp in their frying pan to saute, without adding mine into the mix as well.

Needless to say, I felt like a shmuck. It's funny how we learn our lessons... that simple, pop-psych phrase, "what goes around, comes around" is so true. My sister needed 30 seconds of time this morning, to call her work and explain in a calm fashion that she truly couldn't work today, and I pushed it off until "later". But now, thankfully, I have seen this case from the otherside - from the "I need to talk" side when someone is just not receptive to talking at that given point in time.

Lesson learned. Next time it is incredibly obvious that someone is putting feelers out into my waters, I will take that moment to glance up, make sure they're okay, and "be there" for them. Today's lesson is brought to you by the letter J, the colour: pea-ish green, and the number 3.

The Economy of Need??

I had to laugh on the way home from campus this morning. It was one of those things that, if I didn't laugh, I would sit in astonishment all the way home while pondering the big/deep questions of life... something that will just have to wait until next week when there are not two assignments and a midterm to write in the next 24 hours.

Have you ever realized that honestly, there are some people who are never content in life?

I mean, if I were going to be fair about it, maybe these people are just having a horribly "off" day and need an extra boost of encouraging from someone... but seriously, oye! Like, realistically, the bus driver can answer questions such as, "do you stop here?" "how often does the bus come by here?" or something pertaining to their route. But this rider wouldn't stop asking questions beyond the scope of knowledge of the poor bus driver. "When will the city bus come by, rather than your suburb bus?" "Is it supposed to rain tonight?" "Why is Safeway's gas more expensive than the other gas stations along this road?"

I understand. The person just needed conversation - someone to talk to and engage. But let's be frank here... of all the people this person could have started a conversation with about the weather and gas prices, the bus driver was not the one with the answers.

I'm willing to bet that we all know someone in our lives who is like this rider; someone who is extremely uncomfortable with silence in a relationship, someone who needs to see you or touch base with you in order to know that life is okay, or someone who searches for meaning through constant interaction with other people, strangers or friends. It's an interesting phenomenon in that, there is more to it than simply being an introvert or extrovert and I'm willing to put the hypothesis forward that there is an underlying economy of need functioning here on a level that is sub-consciously active. We're all like this on some level, we have to be in order to survive, but what causes some to be more invested in this economy than others? Personal choice or extrenuating circumstances?

It will take a bit more research and criterion testing, but this is something I am interested in understanding. Will post findings as I discover them! For now, it's back to studying the two remaining lectures/chapters for tomorrow's exam, praying that I did well on my essay, and pondering (briefly) how I will write two assignments between classes tomorrow!

Storms of all shapes and sizes

Our family spent the weekend at a friend's cabin. Having grown up with these two families, it was a wonderful, semi-relaxing time to catch up on all that had happened in each others lives since the last wedding. At one point back in elementary school, I think we actually called ourselves The Smart Muskateers, adding one more to our "elite" group when we hit junior high.

We have since lost touch with the friend who joined our group in junior high, not really talking to her in high school and probably have not seen her since graduating in 2003. However, the three of us still manage to see each other once or twice a year by the blessing that our three moms are really good friends and make a point of talking at least once a week. Our families have seen each other through temporary separations, poor crop and cattle years where we were forced to rely on the frozen meat and vegetables from the year before in order to survive, graduations of all sorts and sizes, and in the past year, two of three of us walking down the aisle and saying "I do".

As great as it was to catch up, it was truly an incredible weekend of storm watching and squatting (if I can use that term in this context...). Saturday was a gorgeous day, spent down on the water and playing beach volleyball. Sunburns were had in various proportions across the board and a large handful of good solid wipe outs on the water as various individuals tried their hand at tubing, wakeboarding, knee-boarding and skiing.

My two youngest siblings were scheduled to cater a wedding in a small, farming community about an hour away from the lake and so they hit the road (dressed like little penguins) in the mid afternoon. By the time Saturday evening had rolled around, clouds were beginning to build in the distance and shortly after our post-supper volleyball match, the younger crowd was hauled out of the water at the sight of rapid, intense lightening that was fast approaching. Before we knew it, the wind was more than we had prepared for and the awning on the trailer was pocketing the wind and shooting up, almost like a parachute would. (This caused numerous, un-bloggable words to leave dad's mouth!) and a panic to get everything put away and tied down before it was too late.

Then... while sitting on the swing watching the lightening and listening to the incredible thunder (yet, not raining) two of our crew came around the corner of the house, one handing his cell phone to my mom and one handing his phone to my dad... both of my sisters were trying to call and couldn't get through on anyone else's phones. The sky was green in the small community where they were; funnel clouds were spotted and it was storming worse than they had ever seen in their adolescent lives. The power in the hall had gone out and they were allowed to stay there for 30 minutes on back-up power, but if the breaker wasn't fixed in that short time, the wedding party would end early. You have to know my two sisters... if anyone would freak out in that situation, it would be them. One of them is scared of anything and everything and the other one is the baby of the family and simply doesn't have enough life experience to be "brave" in a situation like that where her older sister is crying and freaking out. Ha ha... oh man!

They attempted to take to the road and head back to the cabin themselves, but hit the large panic button when, while driving down the highway, witnessed a close-by lightening strike and virtually explode a tall tree and driving a few more feet to discover large, im-movable tree branches laying all over the road. The cell phones rang again, this time asking the guys to come and pick them up and bring them back.

All got home safely after hours of detouring and sitting to wait out the storm... late enough that I was actually startled when a gentle tap woke me up around 3 to ask if she could crawl into my sleeping bag. She was shaking - poor kid.

News reports yesterday showed incredible monetary damage to things from BBQ's blown down the street to a farmer loosing his barn and all his lifestock due to the falling barn and some scattering. Trees, literally, exploded when struck by the lightening - leaving debris all along the highway. Cement walls were blown down, a tower in the downtown core began to break off and injured people walking and in vehicles and a fire truck drove into a building. Semi's flipped, cars rolled into ditches, and trees decades old are no more.

This morning, a teary, red-eyed professor came in, apologized for his lateness and raspy voice, but a close friend died Friday night, taking his own life. Guess I'm lecturing more this term than I originally planned...

Gives a person a true sense of thankfulness that the storm, while damaging some crops and touching the lives of wonderful people, spared those who life couldn't exist without. Crops are easily enough to replace... adorable little sisters who want to crawl into the tent with you because they are still terrified of the stormy weather are both priceless and irreplacable!

Moments that make you think, "ah... schiza!"

Do you ever have those moments in which time seems to freeze, and this horrible feeling comes over you and the voice inside your head says, "wow... this is clearly something we need to work on!" ? Like when you slave over a wonderful supper and the family sits at the table, scrunch their noses, and ask if there are hot dogs they can microwave instead? Or when you are walking down a busy street/sidewalk and you play "dodge the same way as other person" for awhile, where you are both trying to move out of the other persons way, but both dodging the same direction? They are moments that can never be predicted and often leave you reflecting for some time afterwards.

I had one of those moments today.

I was having iced coffee with a friend and catching up on what we had missed in each others lives over the last two months when she got up to use the washroom. Checking my phone for the time, there was a notification saying that I had received a text message. Opening the phone, I discovered it was from a fellow hockey player and support/pillar friend from the seminary town I had left earlier this year checking to see how I was treating life and how it was treating me.

And then... time froze.

Except the voice inside my head was telling me that I really need to work on saying good-bye.

I hate it. I know that Oma always used to say that "hate" is a word I should never use because "hate" was something that the Nazi's did and it was wrong, but I think I have proper justification for putting "saying goodbye" and the Nazi's on the same vocabulary page. Honestly, realistically, what are the odds of ever seeing these people again?

Maybe I just need to spend some more time in thanksgiving for the place of this text-message-sender in my life and the critical timeline in which they entered and maybe I'll discover that I'm just being selfish for wanting them to stay here longer rather than moving half way across the world in the name of vocation and ministry. Perhaps I find out that her place in my life was to pull a lost soul out of a pile of rubble, dust it off, and take it one step closer to the mighty altar of life and that her job is done now.

But realistically, instead, I sit struggling with trying to understand how someone who truly had no reason to care, did; how someone who could have been doing a million other things, paused and checked in. I stare blankly at a card I picked up months ago, struggling to understand how our language can fill an entire dictionary and yet, not be able to adequately capture the impact of the one sentence, shared in a single moment in the Dean's office, brought me here... now.

Ugh. Clearly, as the pattern is quickly showing me, this is a lesson that I need to learn immediately: how to say 'God-speed' to someone I care about deeply. At the rate that these pillars of solid foundation are leaving in various directions, I very well may not acquire this skill in time to say 'safe journey, much love, write often' to any of them.

Stupid moments of, "you really ought to practice doing......"; these moments are really crampin' my style, not to mention my spirit.

Thank you Wayne

Following my volunteer experience with the Provincial Summer Olympics, there was a lot going on, including a 25th wedding anniversary, a 70th birthday, and some much (much!) needed time off before summer session started to truly reflect on a number of things. While growing is often painful at the time, here are some of the reflections that came out of the time away.

1) If someone tells you that what you say is held in confidence, don't believe them. If they have to say this to reassure you, it means that they probably are not the person you should trust your heavy heart with.

2) Open your heart enough to receive a hug from a stranger. These are often the most healing hugs in which there are no expectations.

3) Listen carefully to the people that others would ignore at first glance: a Downs Syndrome first baseman can teach you more about love, life, and laughter than any book in the Bible. Listen to the words they speak as much as the words they don't.

4) Write something everyday. Whether it be a card, a song lyric, a word... write down anything that strikes you in some way. If it strikes you, it is meant to be expressed. Express it. You can always reflect on it later... but write it down somewhere before you forget it.

5) Understand that as hard as they try, family and friends will undoubtably let you down. Regardless of how good they are at cards or eating ice cream on a rainy day, the day will come when they forget, don't follow through, or spend too long staring at their own reflection in the mirror. They are human. Accept it because acceptance mellows the pain for when it happens.

6) Trust that you will cause the tears of another person, hopefully unintentionally. You will forget to call or write, be too busy to stop in for tea, or say something that should have remained inside your head. When this happens, and it will, recognize their pain and their need for reconciliation and healing. Respect it. Work on making this a rare occurance.

7) Spending a day in bed in a pool of built up tears is okay. Two days is alright, but three days might be one too many.

8) Give all you've got to everything you do; this includes personal time and rest. If you give 'er everything you've got to everyone you who 'needs' you, you will burn out. Ensure adequate oxygen to that flame. If someone you love is in a state of crisis, God will watch over them until you are rested enough to save them.

9) Make at least one person laugh every single day of your life. If they don't laugh, at least make them smile; hopefully you'll understand the importance of this when the flood is a comin' in your life and laughter is the only lifeboat you can see for miles. Invest in the laughter of others and when the time comes, pray that they will invest the same in you.

10) When it's raining outside, hop in your car or take your umbrella and leave. Drive (or walk) somewhere in the middle of nowhere... no cars, no streetlights, no tires splashing water everywhere. And sit. Just roll down your window and sit. No radio, no talking, no distractions. Just. Listen. Experience. One rain shower is enough to save a farmer's field from grasshoppers and drought, enough to fill a pond with water and give the fish back reassurance that everything will be okay. A rain shower is enough to save a tiny canola plant or stalk of wheat... I guarentee it is enough for you.