Life is Like...

Do you ever feel like you are in a giant 'super mario kart' game of life? 

 Sometimes this analogy is more realistic than what first meets the eye.  After sharing it with a friend last night, I felt it was best to write it out before I was asked about it and forgot where I was originally going with it.  So... here goes.

Sometimes, life is like a Super Mario Kart game.  We climb onto our little scooter and slowly crawl up to our starting block timidly, somewhat unsure of what our laps around the track will look like.  We quickly scan our surroundings and notice that if we go off-roading, our efficiency or speed will be greatly reduced while we run the risk of wearing our tires thin on the rougher turf.  

However, we don't need to worry too much about getting lost or drowning in the water that is sometimes on the course because the 'lil dude on the cloud is always near by.  The Cloudman is responsible for giving the green light to go and flashing the yellow light for caution and if need be, a red light for those moments around the track that require us to stop and rest awhile.  This Cloudman will also be there to warn us if we are unsafely going around the track backwards... and, believe it or not, if we run our scooter into the water (intentionally, or accidently after hitting a banana peel), the Cloudman will come along with his fishing rod - and pull us back on to dry ground, ready to continue once again.  

There are some races that are "ours" to win, while for other races, we are merely companions on someone else's track of life.   When the latter is the case, our duty is to warn of the banana peels so that the 'winner' of the track doesn't get hurt or lose ground; when we hit the secret squares and "win" the prize of the shooting turtle shells, we have a duty to knock out any possible obstacles for the person whose race it is.  

However, at the same time, rather than it being the "race" mode, it's more like Super Mario Kart, Challenge mode - where the characters have to find certain hidden objects within the world or complete certain tasks in the world before they pass to the next level.  While we are companions on the journey, we simply happily continue our way around the track... practicing our driving and encouraging the journey individual along their path.  

Just like everything, there are advantages and disadvantages to this view of life's journey.  The advantages are that we are always reminded that we are truly NEVER alone on this journey.  If not the other scootered creatures, there is a ball on a cloud with a fishing pole that will never leave us drowning longer than a blink of an eye.  He will pull us out, carry us to dry land, and place us back on track.  While there are banana peels along our way, we always recover.  We only momentarily spin out, and after a few seconds, are able to catch our breath and continue.  

The disadvantage is that while we are puttering along as a companion on someone else's journey, we occasionally get car sick and need to put our control on pause for a bit.  When our own world stops spinning, we can return once again to their world, but not before.  It would only just complicate things if our little character got sick on the track and put others in danger of wiping out.  But, even when we momentarily remove ourselves from the world... we are simply sitting just outside the world's door - able to reached at any time with any request or clarification.  There, sipping on a cup of tea and reading a good book, cheering you on from a slightly different viewpoint.  

The 1 Millionth Psalm

"I heard there was secret chord, that David played and it pleased the Lord..." (from Hallelujah, as seen in Shrek)

Relationships are a funny thing.  For when a relationship is blossoming well, all we want to do is sing the praises of the other person or how wonderful life is.  However, when relationships are hurting in some way, we exhaust ourselves trying to figure out how to "make things better" and return once again to that state of wonderful elation.  Yet, in our efforts to "make things better" or return things to the way they were, we so often get disorientated and get confused on which relationships we can affect and which ones are out of our control.  

On Monday, I literally will have spent 8 months agonizing over broken relationships with human loved ones.  I have tried to come up with various solutions and possible answers on how I can repair these relationships.  Everything from starting anew to pretending we had never met...all the while, ignoring the one, single relationship in my life that I actually had some influence upon. I don't think that the 8 months was necessarily "wasted" effort and time, I'm just kind of ashamed to admit that it took this long to realize which relationship I needed to put my energy into saving.  

And so... comes the creation of The 1 Millionth Psalm.  A song, a prayer, a heart - crying to God. 

I am well aware of the fact that the Bible contains 150 psalms and that a number of musical artists have written "151 Psalm"... but 1 million seems like a safer number.  It is a number that acknowledges the fact that after everything, I don't deserve to be 151st or 152nd or even 999 999th in line to bring my song before our God.  It also acknowledges that there will be time to ultimately prepare for that journey to the altar, for I believe it will take longer than 30 seconds for God to hear the psalms 151-999 999 and work with the psalmist. Which, in frank honesty, is what I need.  

However, all that blabbing aside it is written and ready for the day when it is my turn to approach in timid fear and sing it before the Lord, my God, the only true shepherd of lost and wandering souls.  And without any further adieu, I share with you... The 1 Millionth Psalm.

The One Millionth Psalm

2009

My faith was tried, my heart is cold

Running away from Your Fire of love. 

And now I sit,

On the edge of abyss,

Waiting for You to take me home. 

Oh my God,

Take me into your arms again

Oh my Lord,

Take me, and call me yours.

In this great mirror of life,

All I saw was me, O Lord.

But now I know,

I was wrong

Cause others...

Always shine of you. 

Please grant peace to those in life,

the loved ones I hurt

Heal their pain

with Your glowing love

Shower,

their paths with grace.

My eyes are healed,

the mud has cracked.

I can see Your Light, O Lord

But my soul,

it`s got a hole

Upon Your mighty altar, 

I lay it.

Feast of the Ascension

Yesterday, by my calendar, marked the Feast of the Ascension (which in most churches, will be carried forward to this coming Sunday). While I have made the choice to work on Sunday in a job that is 100% secularized and removed from any thought of Christianity, this doesn't keep me from quietly marking this feast day with a day of reflection and introspection.

I was raised with the teaching that the Feast of the Ascension is an important feast for two reasons:
1) It is a pivotal point in Christian belief and doctrine that Christ rose from the dead, ascended into heaven and sits on the right hand of the Father. To not believe this would probably be heresy!
2) That Ascension is always a "forward-looking" feast. Unlike a lot of the other feast days within the Christian Church that mark a memorable occasion or individual, Ascension marks the beginning of the first novena for Pentecost. Just as Christ prayed for the Holy Spirit to descend upon the apostles, we too pray, that the Holy Spirit may enter every avenue of our lives, guide our steps, and transform our very being.

And it is this latter reason that has really got me thinking.

A few weeks ago, I was asked to play music for a Confirmation Mass in which 50 some grade six students were confirmed in the Roman rite. The Archdiocesan bishop was unable to attend, so Bishop-Emeritus of a Northern most Diocese who was passing through town took the service. A French Missionary Bishop, +C. For some reason, I cannot get his sermon out of my mind... and it is this sermon, that has been the starting point of reflection in the days leading up to Pentecost.

He started by reminding the confirmands that there is one, single, unforgivable sin: a sin against the Holy Spirit. (Theological training has taught me that "a sin against the Holy Spirit" is any sin which ultimately denies the presence or work of the Spirit in one's life...) He then proceeded to explain what the Holy Spirit was. To do this, he told a story.

"Imagine with me for a moment. It is summer time and your parents are sooo delighted that you made the choice to be confirmed in the faith, that they tell you they have a special vacation planned for you and your family. You are all going to drive to Vancouver for a week. You've never been to Vancouver and so you are very excited to go. Now, as you are driving, you have to go through the Rocky Mountains. And while you are driving along the road, your sister points out her window and says, 'I see a moose, waaaaaaaay up on the mountain'. The whole family strain to look out that side of the car and people say, 'oh yea... there is something up there!'. You remember that you packed a pair of binoculars, so you pull them out of your bag and look up to the top of the mountain. And there you see, a mother bear and her two young cubs. Excited to share this beautiful sight with your family, you pass around the binoculars. At that moment in time, the Holy Spirit is a pair of binoculars. You see, the Holy Spirit will come into your life in times where things are blurry and will provide clarity. And I promise you, the Holy Spirit will allow you to see the most beautiful sights, just like the binoculars will allow you to see a mother bear and her cubs.

Now driving a little further, it is a lovely sunny day, and Mom says, 'I packed a picnic lunch for everyone, let's have a picnic!' Finding a nice little park in the mountains, a blanket is pulled out and a wonderful lunch for everyone. But in the excitement to leave, no one packed utensils. All of a sudden, you remember that you packed your Swiss-army knife. Pulling it out, you use the fork for a bit and then pass it on so that others can eat and when it comes back to you, you change it to the spoon, have a few bites, and pass it around again for others to use. In fact, when it comes time to open the pretend bubbly, your knife even has a corkscrew. In this moment, the Holy Spirit is a Swiss-army knife. The Holy Spirit will equip you and enable you with tools and gifts to be shared with others. The Holy Spirit is a gift and begs to be shared.

After lunch, you are driving further into the mountains and as the day gets later into the afternoon, the sun is getting lower and lower. Soon, Dad says, 'I think we may need to stop for the day. The sun is blinding me and I can't see the road and we might go off the road or hit an animal. It's too dangerous!' Taking your handy sunglasses off your head, you pass them up to the front seat for Dad. At this moment, the Holy Spirit is a pair of sunglasses. Sometimes in life, danger will be looming right around the corner. Temptations will be glaring and blinding, but the Holy Spirit will be there to once again make your navigating safe and remove the blinding ability of temptation and sin, doing it's best to keep you on the straight and narrow to your destination.

Once you finally get into Vancouver, you decide that it's time to tour around and see all the magnificant sights. There is the park, the aquarium, the ocean... so many things to do, and so little time. What to do and where to go? Not wanting to waste too much time driving around on busy streets and getting lost, Dad runs out to the gas station on the corner and returns with a city map. At this moment, the Holy Spirit is a map of Vancouver city. The Holy Spirit will guide you through unknown territory with incredible precision and grace. It will guide you where to turn and how to not get lost along the way to the final resting place we are all headed to. The Holy Spirit, unlike our own desires, will never lead you astray..."

This was the basic summary of his sermon and from here, he explained to the students that Confirmation was the receiving of this Holy Spirit into their lives and journeys. Truly one of the most incredible Confirmation sermons I have ever heard... and more importantly, one of the first sermons I have actually listened to since early October.

It may seem like a simple, assumed fact to most - that Holy Spirit is all of this and more, but when you are driving along, take a wrong turn (followed by a long series of wrong turns trying to once again find your way), get utterly and completely lost... when the sun is shining and you are blinded from reading the roadsigns that you whiz by, and now have no idea where you are, how you got there, or how to even start getting back... the sermon is a kick in the teeth.

I get it. I'm not stupid. The Holy Spirit is the Robe of Righteousness that we are given when we enter the banquet hall for the feast. The Holy Spirit is that tiny voice inside your heart that leaps for joy when God is recognized in a spring rain, a field of sprouting crop, or in the voice of a friend, calling to say hello.

But what I don't get, is how I can possibly be standing in that group of disciples 9 days from today, to be showered and empowered with the Holy Spirit. I want to see the bear with her cubs, to pass the knife around the picnic, to not be blinded, and to have a map to guide me back to the place I made the wrong turn so I can be guided through life on the right path once again.

Maybe 8 more days of reflection might tell me how?

The Rationale... of a Donkey

Notice, I did not say "ass", which we all know is the code name for a donkey. At least in these parts of the English speaking world, it is.

I wanted to ask the question, are donkeys able to think rationally?

See, here's the thing. I know that the donkey on Shrek (for the most part) thinks like a rational being... he knows what to do to help Shrek fight the dragon, he is able to father children, and leads a fairly normal (albeit, donkey) life. Therefore, based on this example, I would be inclined to say that donkeys are capable of rational thought.

However... I have continually been told that I am more stubborn than average ass. I mean... donkey. Which, in my convoluted thought, seems to beg the question, "am I actually capable of rational thought, on most days?"

I want to answer yes - that, on the average day, I approach the tasks ahead of me in a cognitive and coherant fashion, achieving goals and fulfilling dreams.

Buuuuuut (hahaha... donkey, ass, but? Okay, I'm tired)... there are more days than not in which I find myself at a roadblock, wondering where on earth I went wrong. So, exerting the extra effort to re-trace my steps backwards, and after many trials and errors, (and the grace of hindsight), I finally figure out where I made my mistake and am able to correct my steps and continue on my way. While there doesn't appear to be anything wrong with this superficially, it is, for lack of more description... exhausting.

For example, something simple like taking medication daily. I know it's something I should do, and I have paid witness to what happens when I miss taking them...and yet, there are still days where I "forget"... and I pay the consequences ALL OVER AGAIN!

If it was only me that these errors in judgement affected, I would cope with that. But I am human (yes, the stubborn, ass end of human - but human) and this fact alone tells me that I am interconnected with other people ALL THE TIME. And so, unfortunately, being stubborn beyond the realm of your average ass, doesn't just hurt me... but those around me.

... if only I could find a way to illustrate that donkeys too, are capable of rationale thought. Hmm

No Kiddin'

I tried to get a picture of this before the vehicle pulled even further ahead of me, however, the picture is pretty much just a picture of a vehicle - and you can't even see what I was trying to get a picture of.  

(does that sentence even make sense?  It does in my head, however...)

This morning, driving down St. Albert Trail, I was stuck behind a small SUV.  

The plate on the vehicle was: "HO5ANNA"

And the brightly coloured bumper sticker was: "ONLY FOOLS SAY GOD IS STUPID"

I kid you not!  

I think I may have been following a highly religious and dedicated Christian this morning. Much too early for cognitive thought, however, their vehicular evangelism is still floating around my head this afternoon.  

To their bumper sticker and license plate, on a Monday, all I can say is, "ONLY THE SCARED EVANGELIZE BY CAR"

In case you're wondering, I am currently (at this very moment) waiting to be struck down by the lightning that is happening outside.  Again, I kid you not.  Thunder storms.  

If it's not too late to change my opinion, perhaps it should be: "ONLY THE STUBBORN IGNORE THE OBVIOUS"

Whatta' day!

The fire is a ragin'

I have tried watching a movie on the lowest volume, reading, and trying to think things through - however, nothing seems to be working.  I am attempting to slow my mind down to a pace which is suitable for sleep once again and clearly failing miserably.  

Have you ever been woken up abruptly by teary dream?  The kind of dream that literally has you crying and when you wake, your heart is racing, your cheeks and pillow are completely wet, and you feel more exhausted than when your eyes shut the first time?  It doesn't happen all that often, but every once in awhile, there are nights like tonight.  Nights where I wake up, in the middle of a fit of tears, almost feeling like the current state of dismal outside.  

We are currently experiencing a number of "close to home", out of control grass fires.  The skies constantly are dark because of the smoke and out here on the farm, we are currently surrounded by three local counties who have declared states of emergency (including our own county).  The smoke is so heavy, it is literally hard to breathe and the inhaler is kept in the back pocket for easy and frequent access.  It's hard to know which way to turn at a rarely encountered intersection because some road signs are actually unreadable with the copious amounts of smoke.  And, naturally, so many local roads are closed that it's impossible to keep up with the updates.  Often, on trying to find a route home, one encounters barricades, a fire crew or local volunteers stationed in such a way that strikes panic and forces "on the feet" thinking to find another route.  

It is the times in life when life itself is in a "fire" situation, that I have the exhausting, teary dreams.  When the barricades appear to be blocking my desired route of required travel, I require aids to continue breathing, and when the smoke and smog is so thick and unbearable - it brings about concern and frustration at the same damn time.  

I will admit to the fact that a fire has been burning in my life for quite some time now, but up until a few days ago, I honestly felt as though it was being battled and declared "in control"... but clearly the winds have changed, picked up, and caused havoc!  

While I continue to reflect on the "winds of change" that are present and blowing ever so.... "lovely" (good thing it's sarcastic Wednesday!), for lack of wanting to cause offense, say something I might later regret, or further spread the fire in any way, I will just say this.  

"Dear Changing Winds, 

I trust you.  I trust you as much as an exhausted firefighter who refuses to leave the post, can trust at a time like this.  No more... and no less and this is actually in your control.  I trust that you are blowing where you need to blow and pushing the fire in the direction  you subconsciously know is best.  I also trust that you are unstoppable in that I can never "stop" or "capture" the wind, only respond appropriately to God's element.  However, please, please, please... I wish you could do something, (ANYTHING!) to give me a heads up warning on where you are going and blowing so that I can be prepared.  For it is a struggle to trust and follow where you go when it is without warning or when your direction seems in so many ways at once.  

That is all. 

Signed, 

Your Chief Firefighter"

It's all about "payin it forward!"

I couldn't stop smiling... this morning, while on a short break from classes, I took the underground train to a busy street in the city and then caught a bus to take me down the street to where I needed to go.  It is my all time favourite flower shop, and they always do an exquisite job on putting together beautiful arrangements.  The young man behind the counter recognized me immediately, commenting on how my hair had grown since I was last there, and commented on my wonderful taste in flowers.  (Personally, I figure he was just trying to butter me up for the money I was about to spend with them, but I wouldn't have gone anywhere else)

The bouquet was then ordered "anonymously" for the receptionist who, while having to work Saturday, Sunday (until 10pm) and then yesterday - still managed to show up with a bright smile on Tuesday morning.  And these... are the pictures from the card.  The image that is cut out of the last picture, is Winnie the Pooh playing the flute.  After saying, "You are... exceptional, one of the best kept secrets of the program, wonderful, family, fantastic, #1, smart, unbeatable, voted (insert city name here) best, amazing, unbelievable, magic in action, fantastic, a star, remarkable, on fire, the greatest, super, happening, unique, the ultimate, a keystone"... the handwriting (disguised) reads: Anna, the program could not be what it is without your "unsung" musical contributions (!!) and harmony line.  Thank you so much for all you do!!

The bouquet was supposed to be delivered for 3:00pm this afternoon so that it would be there long before I showed up for training, yet cleverly delivered on the day that I would be in the office anyway (hopefully eliminating my name from the possible suspects, as I would have just brought the bouquet in if coming in anyway).  However, it showed up while I was there.  A bit off-putting, as I tried to stay out of the way, yet dodge questions when I was asked who might possibly do such a thing... but, all in all - it was great!

Her words were, "I just.... wow... how could... huh..." Hopefully she will go home, bathing in the fact that her endless hard work does not ALWAYS go unnoticed, and trust that she is loved, appreciated, and "belongs"

I think that's all we really need, isn't it?  To know that, on some level, we belong.  Whether it is to our work community, within a circle of friends, a church or worshipping community of some kind or a family... at the end of the day, we just need to know that... while often unspoken... we belong.  

A lesson that I wish more people would advocate, teach, and pray for.  But hey... I'm just one seekin' youngin... all I can do, is my personal best, each and every day.  And today... I did just that!  I would be interested in hearing what you have done or have had done to you that got the point across.  

I assure you...

... it's only because I love you.  

Really.  

Believe me.  That is the ONLY reason I am going to pick my grandma up at her place, and drive her to church for 5:00p.m. mass.  The rest of my family (who normally pick her up) are currently either in Ottawa for Lil Buddy's Volleyball National play-downs or out playing baseball... clearly out of cell phone reception.  

So, when I got a phone call last night asking politely, "Hello dear, are you going to mass this weekend?"

(I momentarily pondered the numerous answers running through my head at record speed, wishing to select the "proper" response).  "Weeeeeeeell, I work at 7:30 Sunday morning, so Saturday evening is a possibility, but unfortunately I can't go Sunday" ("unfortunately" made it sound like I was disappointed, right?)

"Well dear, if you pick me up, we can go to 5:00 mass and then I will cook you a steak dinner.  You can eat steak, right?"

"um... yup!" (though it is honestly the one meal that I eat with my teeth clenched... I was the kid at the family table who had a hot dog on her plate on Steak Saturdays - looooove beef, but hate steak.  But, it was sweet of her - planning a meal in which I wouldn't have to worry about allergies)

"So do you want to stop by here at 4:40?  That should get us to the church on time"

"You bet Grandma, I'll be downstairs at 4:40"

"Thank you sweety.  I look forward to seeing you."

"Me too.  Night!"

So... it is almost 4:30 and getting closer to the time in which I will leave to pick her up.  I just finished vacuuming out the car, windex-ing all the windows, and scrubbing floor mats.  It will just make the evening easier if things are top notch.  Hopefully she won't say anything about the foot marks on the inside of the passenger door... I had company in February who put them there, and couldn't bring myself to wipe them clean yet.  

Apparently the presider tonight is a visiting, retired bishop - whose younger brother, married my parents 25 years ago this summer.  Is it improper church etiquette to forego receiving a blessing from visiting bishop?  I can almost hear family members rolling over in their graves when I consider being rebellious and taking communion tonight, while not "in good standing with the greater church"...it's an awesome thought... but I won't.  I'm not ready to proclaim that leaving the RC church was a mistake.  

UGH!  Of all the weekends for my family to be out of town... they had to pick this one?  Maybe Grandma will call in sick... hahaha... who am I kidding?!  I better go get cleaned up.  I don't want to be the "grandaughter who dresses like a slob to take her grandma to church".  

Well, Grandma, I'm on my way shortly.  But... I assure you, it's not for the steak or the draw of going to church, it's really (truly) only because I love you.  

Words to Live By

I am on a cleaning mission. Now that I've stewed and dwelt from within the pile of heaped compost, wasted time dreaming about what was and what could have been... I have decided that ultimately - these are beyond my problem solving ability.

Wish I would have realized this back in October, rather than sitting amongst my own sewage, however... I'm relieved that I have transitioned to the long awaited "shower stage".

Anyway, this post isn't supposed to be about the transition, but about something I found while in this stage.

Written on a corner scrap of sky blue paper, ripped on three of four edges, I found this written:

We can move forward in God and through God's will.
Although this can sometimes be challenging or horribly uncomfortable
And while we may pine for the pastures in which we came from...
By following God's will in our lives,
We can journey where we are not on our own.

I am not sure where I wrote it down from, whose words they are or the context in which this wisdom was shared. However... I kinda like it. And once I finish cleaning up this mess in which I write this post from... maybe... just maybe, I may paint these words on my wall.

Maybe I oughta go buy a fish too. The tank on the shelf of my desk is lookin' kinda lonely.

Mountain Hiking

I learned a lot from my piano teacher.  She taught me how to bend my fingers when I play to allow for a better sound and technique, how to play incredibly difficult turns and land the "big jumps" marked by various squiggly lines on the music, and how to count the highs and lows of the mountain each day.  

When I began babysitting/"hanging out" (her oldest son was too old for a "babysitter, but too young for being on his own with his younger siblings), I learned the importance of the "Mountain Night Routine".  When each kid was tucked under the covers, after they said their prayers and found their teddy... they needed to be asked, "what was your mountain climbing moment today and what was your mountain top?"  And, in turn, the kids would answer with a "high" from the day as well as a "low".  

This routine has since been adapted slightly for summer camps, evening retreats, and quiet reflective moments with various aged youngin's and as I sit at the bookend of a very long and wonderful week, I find myself pondering about the mountain top and the hike moments.  

Here's what I have so far:

Low: many late nights, only managing to stay awake by propping my head up with textbooks

High: I wrote the last exam yesterday afternoon

Low: Found out that an incredible and mentor for the past number of years is moving to take on a parish elsewhere and will no longer be an escaping, bus ride away

High: I had lunch/an afternoon with a co-worker I recently met and found the time flew by much too quickly... for it didn't feel like a new friend, but a soul friend in which I had a lot of catching up to do

Low: Another week has passed, another page turned without managing to make contact with 6 people I care deeply about

High: Felt compelled to read the story of Thomas and am reminded about the everlasting joy of the resurrection, with it's countless opportunities for new life, hope, and reconciliation. 

What are your highs/lows of the week?  Whatever they may be, may there always be a glorious sunshiny day to celebrate the many blessings (or, in our case today... a peaceful snowfall).